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If every day is a gift then in 2016 I’ve mostly been getting socks.
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The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road. One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road; and the student remained completely calm.
“This time you’re doing fine!” exclaimed the instructor. “Yes,” the novice driver agreed.
“Now when I see another car coming, I shut my eyes.”
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When two people love each other, nothing is impossible... Except deciding where to eat.
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Why do shoemakers go to heaven?
Because they have good soles.
Why do bikes have kick-stands?
Because they're two-tired.
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I checked out a book from the library called "How to Have a Perfect Memory." Now if I just could remember where I put it.
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“I used to be in show business. I had a very spectacular act.”
“What did you do?”
“I used to dive into a wet sponge from a height of fifty feet.
But then I broke my neck.”
“Did you miss the sponge?”
“No. Some idiот squeezed it dry”
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I was just sitting around, doing nothing, when I was arrested for impersonating the President of the United States.
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What kind of house weighs the least?
A lighthouse.
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This year I made my New Years Resolution to finish everything I sta...
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Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
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What’s the smallest unit of time in the known universe?
The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.
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Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says,
"Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says,
"Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die."
"Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."
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Groom: People ask me why I left a bachelor to be with this girl. Well, look at her. She's wealthy and dying
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A large book fell on my head today.
I’ve only got mySHELF to blame
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An urgent call was put in for a plumber at noon but he didn’t arrive until 5 hours later. “How is it?” he asked entering the house. “Not so bad,” replied the home owner. “While we were waiting for you to arrive I taught my wife how to swim.”
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People can climb mountains,
People can scuba dive,
But they can't move their thumb to text me back!
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I just got my boyfriend a 'get better soon' card.
He isn't sick, I just think he can get better.
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1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
3. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
4. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
5. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
6. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
7. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
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