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Some vacationers at their campsite were cooking fish over an open fire when a storm suddenly moved in.
Before the campers could run for cover, a burst of lightning came down and struck a skillet that was resting on the coals in front of them.
That's what you call a flash in the pan!

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What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer.
"How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?"

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The only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it.

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Dear Winter,
I'm breaking up with you. I think it is time I start seeing other seasons.
Besides, Summer is much HOTTER than you!

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Martin asked David, "In which state does the Ohio River run?"
David answered with cool, "In the liquid state."

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ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

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When I was a little boy, I used to be afraid of the dark...
Now as an adult, I see the electric bill and I'm afraid of the light!

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When is a joke like a father?
When the punchline's apparent.

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I use Pantene. What do you use?
Mark's.
I use Dove soap. What do you use?
Mark's.
I use Olay lotion. What do you use?
Mark's.
Is Mark an international Brand?
No, Mark is my roommate!

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Dobt you ever wonder who discovered milk? Like theres some guy, finds a соw, pulls on his giant аss utters, found some white liquid, what do you expect "oh im gonna drink this" hey look at me i discovered milk. My reaction would be like: dafuq?

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Q:What is the population of Antarctica A: All white.

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That moment when you flex your stomach to show off your abs infront of a cute girl and then you sh*t yourself

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Unbeatable prices, beatable customers… United Airlines.

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What did Dracula said about his new girlfriend?
Oh, she is my love at first bite!

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I ain't lookin' at your cleavage, I'm gazing in your heart!

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You know what's cool about the day job? Me either.

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My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.
One January night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
"What did they say?" I asked.
"Well," he muttered, "for the past 30 years they've gone to Florida for the winter."

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Can’t believe how crazy it is out there. Just killed 4 zombies, there’s loads of them walking around carrying sweats.

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