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Can’t believe how crazy it is out there. Just killed 4 zombies, there’s loads of them walking around carrying sweats.

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What do all the people that spell U in place of YOU do with all that spare time?

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Just opened my kitchen cupboard and loads of Omega 3 vitamin containers fell on my head.
It’s OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.

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Hey have you heard about the sidewalk?
No! Well it’s all over town!!!

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An emo and an apple both fall from a tree at the same time who hits the ground first? the apple. the emo was luckily stopped by a rope

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After many years of torment I’ve found a way to deal with my demons.
I’m on their side now.

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Two molecules are walking down the street. One bumps into the other and says,
"Oh, my fault, you okay?”
The Second Molecule says,
"No, I'm not okay. I've lost an electron!"
So the first molecule says,
"Are you sure?"
The second molecule replies,
"I'm positive!"

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During Antiques Roadshow today, I looked at the 19th century mahogany chest of drawers in the corner of my living room and thought:
“Maybe that’s where the fuскing remote is.”

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If you really think about it,
The Wright Brothers are responsible for 9 /11.

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Bob the builder broke up with his girlfriend. He couldn't fix it.

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I was dropping a batch in a public toilet when i seen something written in very small writing at the bottom of the door.
As I leaned over to see it closer it read ….
“You are now shiттing at a 45 degree angle”

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I banged a girl so hard........................................
With a hammer.

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I was driving along the Stuart Highway when I saw a sign saying "Rest Area 50 Kilometers" and thought WOW that’s big

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If you walk in my yard looking for Pokémon, you may catch a glockachu.

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If you walk by a pond and hear someone shouting, "I'm thinking! I'm thinking!", you better spring into action...
He could have a lisp.

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I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my navigation system said:
"In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."

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If you had the choice between being as rich as Bill Gates or having world peace, what color Lamborghini would you buy?

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“My thoughts are with my young neighbor at this time.”
“Has there been an accident?”
“No, she’s just really hot.”

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