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Just been pulled over by a cop. He said ‘can you identify yourself sir’ so I pulled out a mirror and said ‘yep that’s me!’

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I feel like if I was a super hero and my power was saving people from awkward conversations, I would be more popular than Superman.

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Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?
Wife: Because I couldn't lift the table!

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My three hundred plus pound of a grandfather loves to do karaoke. One night he was really into some heavy metal rock and roll song, even doing an air guitar routine.
Well, after he was done a young fellow came up to him and said,
"You are a hip old dude!"
My grandfather snapped back, "Who you callin' a hippo - dude?!?!"

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I phoned Pizza Hut tonight. I said Do you do takeaway.
Yes we do, came the reply. Brilliant, I said Whats 12 takeaway 5.
Bastards put the phone down.

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On a соndом dispensing machine in London it was written:
“Very Safe ! Strictly made as per High British standards”.
Someone added below-
“So was the Titanic, but it leaked.”

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While at the casino, I remembered the sign that said:
"If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said,
"I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

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Have you ever dated one of those really hot chicks who fulfil your every desire in the bedroom, never winge at anything you do and are happy for you to hand pick her mates to join in once in a while while she gets u a вееr? No nore me!

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Teacher: What do you wanna be when you grow up?
Little Girl: A unicorn
Teacher: Why is that?
Little Girl: So I can stab people with my head

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The drinker announced to the bartender, “It seems I’ve been informally named advisor on ‘Sеxuаl Matters’ at my company.”
“That sounds interesting. Does this mean you’ll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?”
“I’m not sure yet,” he answered.
“During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fuскing advice, they’d let me know.”

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Have you heard about this new thing you can have that transfers the thoughts and memories of one person to another person. It’s called a CONVERSATION.

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Why can't the 2013 Bronco's eat cereal?
They choke when they get to the bowl.

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I was at the Swimming Baths today and decided to have a sneaky рiss in the deep end. The lifeguard must of noticed. The fuскеr blew his whistle so fuскing loud,I nearly fell in.

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What’s green, red, purple and orange? Colours.

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Some vacationers at their campsite were cooking fish over an open fire when a storm suddenly moved in.
Before the campers could run for cover, a burst of lightning came down and struck a skillet that was resting on the coals in front of them.
That's what you call a flash in the pan!

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What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer.
"How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?"

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The only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it.

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How to make the best salad ever in 3 steps.
1. Get a bowl.
2. Put a tiny amount of lettuce at the bottom.
3. Fill the rest of the bowl with pizza.

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