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Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
It depends on the delivery system...
If you drop them out of a plane, definitely the egg.
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Sallie is an accomplished ballerina, and she was giving a stellar performance as Odette in Swan Lake. She performs Pas de valse, some Pirouettes, then a grand jeté (a stunning leap with splits in the air) and lands on the stage still in splits.
Something seems to be wrong. Sallie is making frantic gestures to the stagehands. After she whispers something in a stagehand’s ear, two stagehands push and tug and slide Sallie to the edge of the stage…
…where she is able to break the suction.
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three hundred fifty thousand times, you're a weatherman.
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“Where’s all this shiт coming from?”
Thought the fаn.
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Despite my last 12,000 tweets, I'm actually really fun.
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Ring Ring....
(I pick up the phone)
- Hey Dude, you ready to party??
Me: Who is it, anyway?
- Sorry, wrong number.
- Bye
(Disconnects)
Me: But I want to Party
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President Clinton decided to buy a puppy as a present for Hillary. He snuck the puppy under his coat into the White House and as he was walking down one of the halls he comes upon Al Gore. Clinton could not hold back his joy and shared his surprise with the Vice President.
"Look what I got for Hillary!" exclaims Clinton, holding up the puppy.
Al Gore stares for a moment, then his eyes brighten up as he says,
"Nice trade, sir!"
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I hate to fly. They say flying is safer than driving. That's a lie, isn't it? If your car stalls, you don't fall outta the sky.
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When a warming trend hit the Artic, scientists were assigned to watch glaciers in danger of splitting. Naturally, all of the researchers had to have good ice sight.
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I bet I can maı̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨ke you wipe your screen.
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Just been sacked from my new job at Starbucks. Apparently ground coffee isn’t suppose to contain any dirt from the ground.
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Someone started choking in the Starbucks line. It was soooo scary. Thankfully they opened up another register.
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I'm just not good with computers. I remain not good. I had to call up the tech support guy this week, get some help with the home computer. He starts asking me questions, 'What kind of operating system have you got there, sir?'
'Uh, electricity, I think. Yeah, I've been plugging into my wall. I've been having some luck with that.'
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Pajamas - they’re sтuрid. … They make no sense at all. … If I’m gonna make the effort to put on a matching top and bottom, I might as well put on an open collar shirt, a little English Leather and go out for the evening.
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"6 bucks for 1 question !" said the fortune teller to the client.
" That's really expensive, isn't it ?"
" Next please !"
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A milman threw a carton of milk at me how dairy
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My dog was so traumatised by all the ваnging, screeching and wailing on Saturday night that she cowered behind the sofa and didn’t come out until the whole racket was over.
From now on we’re going to put her in the kitchen when we watch the X Factor!
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It’s amazing how stepping on Lego can give you a totally new perspective on life and make you reevaluate your life choices.
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