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Though he loved the design of his new tie, Harry had no choice but to take it back to the store. When the clerk asked what was wrong with it, Harry said, “To tight.”
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Why do ghosts always shake and moan?
It's dамn cold under those sheets!
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I got myself I guide dog today.
I’m not blind. I just want to stop walking into lamp posts whilst sending a text.
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Heading into the jungle on his first safari, the American visitor was confident he could handle any emergency. He sidled up to the experienced native guide and said smugly. “I know that carrying a torch will keep lions away.” “True,” the guide replied. “But it depends on how fast you carry the torch
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I was at a tanning salon the other day and noticed a customer running off without paying...
I heard the cashier yell out, "You better get back here or I'll tan your backside!"
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I always have this dream that the guy coming in last for diving is going to do a cannonball for our amusement.
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Wife: Honey? What do you think about my teeth?
Husband: They remind me of stars... Yellow and far apart.
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Teacher:
"I hope I didn't see you looking at Tim's exam paper."
Pupil:
"I hope you didn't see me either!"
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Amos was sitting on the steps of the town store when a red convertible with Massachusetts plates rolled up and the driver says,
"Hey, Bub which way to East Vassalboro?"
Amos says,
"How did you know my name was Bub?"
"Just a lucky guess, I guess." replied the driver.
"Well, says Amos, see if you can get lucky again and guess the way to East Vassalboro."
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“What’s your name?”
“David fuскing Smith”
“Do you suffer from tourettes David?”
“No but the vicar at the christening did”
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When I was a child I used to get taken to the circus to see the tattooed lady, now they are everywhere.
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Q. What’s the difference between an apple and a decapitated head?
A. I don’t come all over an apple before eating it.
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Do you know what a mice said when it saw a bat?
Mom ! I see an angel.
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Q:What kind of room has no windows or doors?
A:A mushroom.
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If a fire hydrant has H2O on the inside what is on the outside?
K9p
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While driving along the back roads of a small town, two novice truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4" high..."What do you think?" one asked the other. The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
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When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup of the day, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said,
"What is this?"
"It's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "I want to know what it is now?"
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What do you call Beethoven's skeleton sitting in a cave erasing symphonies?
Decomposing.
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