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After many years of torment I’ve found a way to deal with my demons.
I’m on their side now.

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Two molecules are walking down the street. One bumps into the other and says,
"Oh, my fault, you okay?”
The Second Molecule says,
"No, I'm not okay. I've lost an electron!"
So the first molecule says,
"Are you sure?"
The second molecule replies,
"I'm positive!"

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During Antiques Roadshow today, I looked at the 19th century mahogany chest of drawers in the corner of my living room and thought:
“Maybe that’s where the fuскing remote is.”

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Bob the builder broke up with his girlfriend. He couldn't fix it.

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I was dropping a batch in a public toilet when i seen something written in very small writing at the bottom of the door.
As I leaned over to see it closer it read ….
“You are now shiттing at a 45 degree angle”

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I banged a girl so hard........................................
With a hammer.

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What’s soft and slippery?
A slipper.

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I was driving along the Stuart Highway when I saw a sign saying "Rest Area 50 Kilometers" and thought WOW that’s big

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If you walk in my yard looking for Pokémon, you may catch a glockachu.

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If you walk by a pond and hear someone shouting, "I'm thinking! I'm thinking!", you better spring into action...
He could have a lisp.

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I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my navigation system said:
"In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."

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If you had the choice between being as rich as Bill Gates or having world peace, what color Lamborghini would you buy?

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Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
It depends on the delivery system...
If you drop them out of a plane, definitely the egg.

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Sallie is an accomplished ballerina, and she was giving a stellar performance as Odette in Swan Lake. She performs Pas de valse, some Pirouettes, then a grand jeté (a stunning leap with splits in the air) and lands on the stage still in splits.
Something seems to be wrong. Sallie is making frantic gestures to the stagehands. After she whispers something in a stagehand’s ear, two stagehands push and tug and slide Sallie to the edge of the stage…
…where she is able to break the suction.

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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three hundred fifty thousand times, you're a weatherman.

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Got arrested last night. Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic if they know who you are.

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“Where’s all this shiт coming from?”
Thought the fаn.

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Despite my last 12,000 tweets, I'm actually really fun.

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