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A recent study has revealed the top 3 greatest mysteries of life that people struggle with on a daily basis.
1. If sliced bread is so great why is the person who invented it not famous?
2. If blind people wear sunglasses then why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
3. If Chinese people all look the same, why do they need passports?

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What’s green and fuzzy and can кill you if it falls out of a tree?
A snooker table.

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Note to self: Its time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to note: Shut the fuск up...

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I’m not bad at cooking or anything …but how long is pasta supposed to cook in the toaster?

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Two brothers John and Mike went fishing, every time John threw his hook he caught a
Fish but Mike was very unlucky. By the end of the day John had caught more than
Twenty fish but Mike had caught nothing. Next day Mike woke up very early in the morning, dressed in John's clothes and carried John's hook. He went to the river and sat where John was seating yesterday. He threw the hook and waited. Darkness
Cleared and the sun rose, after about 4 hours of his waiting a fish popped out and asked him "where is John?"

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What’s the difference between ‘highly flammable’ and ‘inflammable’? I can never remember… Arghhh my eyes!!

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True Text meanings
BRB: I don't wanna talk to you
LOL: I don't have anythings else to say
COOL: I really don't care

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My brother told me I needed to study more on my gardening.
I had a rock garden this year, and one of the rocks died!

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The first book I'd bring with me would be a big, plastic inflatable book, and the second one would be 'How to Make Oars out of Sand.'

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You know when a comeback is bad..
When you have to explain it

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White people be like "I'm not white I'm:
22% Irish
18% German 28% Italian
30% French 2% milk

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He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.

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What do constipated people say?
"I wanna scream and shout, and let it all out"

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A lady walks into a shop one day she asks if she could try on a dress in the window, the manager suggested it might be better to use the changing room

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Did you hear about the angry fly that sat on the toilet seat all day long?
He finally got peed off.

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John, who suffers from chest cancer, was in hospital when a pastor decided to visit. Then all of a sudden john couldn't breath and couldn't talk so the pastor gave john a pen and paper to right his last few words. Somehow he managed to write his last few words before he died. Two days later at the funeral the pastor was telling everyone how good John was and how he died, then he remembered the letter and the pastor took it out of his jacket and read it out loud and it said:
" you're standing on my oxygen tube"

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There was a sticker on a loaf of bread that said, 'baked fresh for over 50 years.'
So THAT'S how long it takes to bake fresh bread...

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I really don't forgive people I just pretend like it's ok and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.

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