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Ring Ring....
(I pick up the phone)
- Hey Dude, you ready to party??
Me: Who is it, anyway?
- Sorry, wrong number.
- Bye
(Disconnects)
Me: But I want to Party

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President Clinton decided to buy a puppy as a present for Hillary. He snuck the puppy under his coat into the White House and as he was walking down one of the halls he comes upon Al Gore. Clinton could not hold back his joy and shared his surprise with the Vice President.
"Look what I got for Hillary!" exclaims Clinton, holding up the puppy.
Al Gore stares for a moment, then his eyes brighten up as he says,
"Nice trade, sir!"

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I hate to fly. They say flying is safer than driving. That's a lie, isn't it? If your car stalls, you don't fall outta the sky.

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I bet I can maı̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨ke you wipe your screen.

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Just been sacked from my new job at Starbucks. Apparently ground coffee isn’t suppose to contain any dirt from the ground.

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Someone started choking in the Starbucks line. It was soooo scary. Thankfully they opened up another register.

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Theme parks can snap crystal clear picture of you on a moving roller coaster at 70 mph…
… but, bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still?

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I'm just not good with computers. I remain not good. I had to call up the tech support guy this week, get some help with the home computer. He starts asking me questions, 'What kind of operating system have you got there, sir?'
'Uh, electricity, I think. Yeah, I've been plugging into my wall. I've been having some luck with that.'

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Pajamas - they’re sтuрid. … They make no sense at all. … If I’m gonna make the effort to put on a matching top and bottom, I might as well put on an open collar shirt, a little English Leather and go out for the evening.

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"6 bucks for 1 question !" said the fortune teller to the client.
" That's really expensive, isn't it ?"
" Next please !"

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A milman threw a carton of milk at me how dairy

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My dog was so traumatised by all the ваnging, screeching and wailing on Saturday night that she cowered behind the sofa and didn’t come out until the whole racket was over.
From now on we’re going to put her in the kitchen when we watch the X Factor!

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Though he loved the design of his new tie, Harry had no choice but to take it back to the store. When the clerk asked what was wrong with it, Harry said, “To tight.”

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Why do ghosts always shake and moan?
It's dамn cold under those sheets!

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I got myself I guide dog today.
I’m not blind. I just want to stop walking into lamp posts whilst sending a text.

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Mum:Quit playing around and do your homework you son of a b*tch!
Son:Well mom if i'm the son then you're the b*tch.

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Heading into the jungle on his first safari, the American visitor was confident he could handle any emergency. He sidled up to the experienced native guide and said smugly. “I know that carrying a torch will keep lions away.” “True,” the guide replied. “But it depends on how fast you carry the torch

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I was at a tanning salon the other day and noticed a customer running off without paying...
I heard the cashier yell out, "You better get back here or I'll tan your backside!"

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