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I always have this dream that the guy coming in last for diving is going to do a cannonball for our amusement.

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Wife: Honey? What do you think about my teeth?
Husband: They remind me of stars... Yellow and far apart.

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Teacher:
"I hope I didn't see you looking at Tim's exam paper."
Pupil:
"I hope you didn't see me either!"

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“What’s your name?”
“David fuскing Smith”
“Do you suffer from tourettes David?”
“No but the vicar at the christening did”

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When I was a child I used to get taken to the circus to see the tattooed lady, now they are everywhere.

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Q. What’s the difference between an apple and a decapitated head?
A. I don’t come all over an apple before eating it.

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*Text*
Father: Son, where are you?
Son: I'm with my girlfriend
Father: What?
Son: Kidding, I'm at the ghetto selling drugs
Father: Good

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Do you know what a mice said when it saw a bat?
Mom ! I see an angel.

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Q:What kind of room has no windows or doors?
A:A mushroom.

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If a fire hydrant has H2O on the inside what is on the outside?
K9p

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While driving along the back roads of a small town, two novice truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4" high..."What do you think?" one asked the other. The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

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When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup of the day, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said,
"What is this?"
"It's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "I want to know what it is now?"

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I’ve just published a book on D. I. Y.
It’s blank and comes with a free pen.

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Sometimes when I'm driving, I know I want to change lanes. I'm just not sure which lane I want. So I turn on my hazard lights.
I may be going left, I may be going right ... either way, you have been warned.

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You can’t turn a whоrе into a housewife, unless you’re a television network.

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Never spill hot espresso on yourself because it hurts a latte!

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Teachers are dumb af
Student: Can I go to the toilet?
Teacher: To do what?
Student: To slaythe magic dragon, what the f*ckkk

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Press kickass if your name is not JEFF

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