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What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.

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I read the expression 'revenge is a dish best served cold'.
Then I read 'revenge is sweet'.
I came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

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John to librarian:
"L want the book named 'Рsyсhо The Rарisт'".
The librarian searched for 2 hrs, then came back, slapped John and said,
"Idiот the book name is 'Psychotherapist'."

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Why did the haunted house not like rain?
Because it dampened his spirits.

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The vocalist was practicing in the church with all the windows open.
As she stepped outside what a whiff of fresh air, she noticed the gardener trimming the shrubs. “How did you like my execution?” she asked.
The gardener without turning to look at her said, “I’m in favor of it.”

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What did the right eye say to the left eye?
"Just between you and me, something smells."

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"You have been in Rome?"
"Yes"
"Did you visit The Coliseum.”
"Yes"
"And ?"
"It will be splendid when it is finished"

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What do ninjas and farts have in common?
They're silent and deadly.

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I first realised I was going bald when it took me longer to wash my face every morning….

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Just heard on the radio that the dinosaurs died 65 million years ago on this exact day.
Rip Dinosaurs
26th April 64,997,984 BC

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Laughter is the best medicine unless you’re in the following situations.
1. You’ve broken your leg
2. You’re on fire.

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What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day? It's good for the bones.
Why don't skeletons like parties? They have no body to dance with.

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Q. Why are restaurants better than hospitals for treating sick people?
A. Because thyme is a great healer.

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They say it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Try telling that to someone who has AIDS.

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I do 10 sit-ups every morning...
It may not sound like much, but there is only so many times you can hit the snooze button!

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"I'd like you to meet my half sister."
"Different fathers?"
"Nope. Shark attack."

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It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's just a game. Find the eye!

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"Would you like a table?"..." No I came to this resteraunt to eat on the floor, carpet for 5 please."

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