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Just poured superglue into a non-stick pan…. Somebody is going to be wrong.

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My grandma always says that she never gets any phone calls. So, for her birthday, I put one of those 'How's my driving?' bumper stickers on her car. The phone's pretty much ringing off the hook now.

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After I retired there was the problem of filling up the time that I was not used to having. My nephew said,
"Bungee jumping is fun!"
I decided to try it and now I'm two inches taller... I can't walk, but I'm two inches taller.

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Most commen lies ever told:
"I didn't do it"
"I'm fine"
"I have read and agreed to the Terms and Conditions"

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I change my car horn to a gunshot sound. People move out of the way a lot faster now.

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Frank was madly in love with Susan, but couldn’t get up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. “Darling! He blurted out, “Will you marry me?”
“Of course, I will, you silly boy,” she replied, “Who’s speaking?”

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My parents recently died in a tragic plane crash. Am I still allowed to watch PG movies?

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The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine, who is not so bright. He asked if I knew what the buzzing was for?
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Without missing a beat, he responded, "What are blind people doing driving?"

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How do you make the concrete laugh
You tickle its сrаск lol

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Just read an article about the top 100 things to do before you die. Was quite surprised that screaming “HELP ME!!” didn’t make the list.

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I love self checkout machines at supermarkets. Just got a 40″ TV for the same price as a bag of apples.

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You guys ever have that dream where you're peeing, and you wake up and you're peeing? That's like the most comfortable sleep you'll ever have.

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A recent study has revealed the top 3 greatest mysteries of life that people struggle with on a daily basis.
1. If sliced bread is so great why is the person who invented it not famous?
2. If blind people wear sunglasses then why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
3. If Chinese people all look the same, why do they need passports?

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What’s green and fuzzy and can кill you if it falls out of a tree?
A snooker table.

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Note to self: Its time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to note: Shut the fuск up...

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Which travels faster,heat or cold and why?
Heat, because you can catch cold easily

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I’m not bad at cooking or anything …but how long is pasta supposed to cook in the toaster?

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Two brothers John and Mike went fishing, every time John threw his hook he caught a
Fish but Mike was very unlucky. By the end of the day John had caught more than
Twenty fish but Mike had caught nothing. Next day Mike woke up very early in the morning, dressed in John's clothes and carried John's hook. He went to the river and sat where John was seating yesterday. He threw the hook and waited. Darkness
Cleared and the sun rose, after about 4 hours of his waiting a fish popped out and asked him "where is John?"

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