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The definition of "mixed feelings" is watching your mother-in-law drive your new Mercedes off a cliff.

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Where would Voldemort go if he played the saxophone?
Jazzkaban.

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(Client) No one understands me!
(Counselor) Why not?
(Client) It’s much like Newton’s third law of motion! The problem is the general derivation of the тhrusт equation forces pertaining to cognitive exchanges fail to achieve a proportional cohesion to the value of any given communicable sum. Do you know what I mean?
(Counselor) No…

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Explorer walking in the Amazon Rain Forest comes across a clearing with a dead 60ft dinosaur and a hunter sat astride it. He asks the hunter, "Who killed the dinosaur?"
"I did,” replied the hunter.
"How did you кill it?"
"With my club.”
The Explorer was astonished, so he inquired, "How big is your club then?"
The hunter answered, "There are about 400 of us now."

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Definition of Askhole - Someone who always asks for your advice but does the opposite of what you say.

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The mailperson rings the doorbell and as says: I have a parcel here, but the name on its obliterated.
Smiths says: Can’t be for me, then. My name is Smiths.

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Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party.
That’s when I realised he was the favourite twin.

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Two Musicians’ in a major symphonic orchestra were discussing who they thought the LEAST talented musician in the band was. One of them said; that’s easy. See that guy standing in the back? Well, we just put two sticks in his hands and we call him a Drummer. The other responded; well, if we take one stick away, we call him a Conductor!

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Рlаyвоy doesn't show nudes. MTV doesn't play music videos. The Learning Channel makes you dumber. What happened to the world?

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It’s amazing how quickly the sales staff at Ikea come to “assist you” once you take off your trousers and get into one of their beds.

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His girlfriend had just learned to drive the car and now they were out in the suburbs racing along over seventy. “Doesn’t speeding over the beautiful country make you glad you are alive?” she asked.
“Glad?” He raised an eyebrow. “Glad in not the word for it. I’m amazed.”

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I remember when my wife was in labor and the nurse said it was time to push. She gave it everything she had, until a giant fаrт rang out that shook the room.
“Don’t worry,” I said, patting her head. “I’ve heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn’t that right, nurse?”
“Yes,” said the nurse, gagging, “but it’s usually the mother, not the father.”

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One time my mother called me a son of a b*tch, so I hit her because no one talks trash about my mother, then I hit myself because no one hits my mother, she then hit me because no one hits her son and then hit herself because no one hits me, so I hit her because no one hits my mother.

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Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked,
"Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,
"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

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“Your assignment was to produce a piece containing exactly 20,000 dots,” my Art teacher said, “but I only see one.”
“They’re on top of each other.” I explained.

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Do you know what is absolutely ridiculous?
1. In New York if you jump off a building to commit suicide there is a death penalty. They'll revive you and then killed painfully.
2. It is illegal to die in some places; if you die, you'll be revived, sent to another country and then killed.
3. You'll kickass this.

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Here’s a tip for when you’re feeling shiт. Wear gloves

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What's round and snarling?
A vicious circle.

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