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What's round and snarling?
A vicious circle.

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A contractor hired two brothers to install home siding.
He demonstrated the process and sent them off to their first job.
Things were going smoothly when the older brother saw that his younger brother
Was throwing nails away. He asked; "why are you throwing those nails away?" The younger brother replied, " The heads are on the wrong end." The older brother laughed, " Those are for the other side of the house."

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We all have that one cup in the house that's better than the rest

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When I am told, "You'll regret that in the morning", I don't let it bother me.
Being a problem solver, I just sleep in till noon.

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Got attacked by a group of mime artists last night. They did unspeakable acts to me.

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Son:mom whats a girlfriend
Mom:ur a good boy you'll get one when ur older
Son:what if i'm not a good boy
Mom;then u'll get many

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A homeowner in the former USSR puts a call in to the plumber to request an appointment to get his toilet fixed. The plumber says hold while he looks it up in his appointment book.
Plumber: Okay, I can be by you on a Wednesday, in 3 years, 7 months, and five days from now.
Customer: Will that be morning or evening?
Plumber: Why do you ask?
Customer: Because the electrician is coming in the morning.

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A соw and a horse got into an accident while they were coming around a blind corner. Who is to be blamed?
The соw... because she didn't вlоw her horn!

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I saw a sign today day telling please keep off the grass. I wonder how it got there?

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What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think it's 'just take it'?

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Father: What do you see in that boyfriend of yours?
Teen daughter: Well... he’s reliable.
Father: He’s always late picking you up!
Teen daughter: I know and I can always count on it. Remember when you had to sit in the front room with my dates until I was ready?
Father: Now that you mention it, I’m beginning to like this guy!

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I saved 463 bucks on my car insurance today.
Now I’ve just got to hope that I don’t get pulled over in the next 12 months.

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What's the worst way to scare a gаy person. Scare them straight

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What do Benefit street and Sesame street have in common?
They both have a big bird, a guy living in a bin and people trying to learn the alphabet.

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I just started a support group where no one sees or hears each other.
I don't know how many members there are because I don't hear or see any of them.

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If Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber were drowning in a swimming pool, what type of sandwich would you make?

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Bro: lol was I that drunк ? Me: well you dug up my mom's garden, because and I quote 'fuск FarmVille'

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What do you call a pirate without a ship?
A creative homeless guy.

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