Jokes

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If you are thinking of taking your lady to see fifty shades of grey at the pictures as a Valentine’s treat make sure you go for the matinee showing.
That way the seats will have had a chance to dry out from the previous day.

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All I learned from Mario is that in order to get through anything, you'll need help from mushrooms.

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Just been thrown out by my landlord after making him really angry. He told me the only pet I was allowed was a fish so I got a 6ft shark.

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How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.

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My girlfriend hasn't shaved in awhile so I figured I'd give her subtle hints so I texted her:
"Hows life baby gorilla. I mean babygirl*".

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If a butcher is 6 feet tall, wears size 9 shoes, and a waist size of 38, what does he weigh?
Meat.

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Got up at 6am today.
Did yoga.
Had a protein shake.
Ran six miles.
Started lying about everything.

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The weather forecast for tonight…. Dark!

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[During Interview] “Do you have any questions?” - Yeah, in The Titanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

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So I forgot my password today and after several wrong guesses a hint popped up. "Hint: Fuск you" Thanks for the help past self. Diск.

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I am very like of using Google Translate.

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I found my girlfriends debit card in the freezer today, I guess you can say her accounts were frozen.

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One cold winter day on lake Erie, two guys were fishing about 20 feet apart through the ice.
One guy wasn't having any luck. The other guy was pulling out fish every time he put his line in the water.
This made the other guy curious. "Hey," he yelled to the other, "what are you using for bait??"
The other guy yelled back, "Mfff Mfff Ogghh Mfft Offt Berr Wttt"
The one guy was very puzzled and said,
"What?"
And again the other guy yelled back, "Mfff Mfff Ogghh Mfft Offt Berr Wttt"
Finally the guy had to know what the other guy was saying so he got up and walk over to him and said,
"What the hеll did you say?"
And then the guy spit something into his hands and said,
"You have to keep your bait warm"

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My boss asked me to start a presentation with a joke. I attached payslip on the first slide...

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Go to the pet store and buy birdseed then ask the clerk how long will the birds take to grow

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Did you hear about this new movie?
It's about a guy who is terrified of addition problems...
..."The Fear of all Sums"....

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My girlfriend was tragically killed by a goat last week which is ironic because her star sign is Leo.

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How does a guitar player make a million dollars?
He starts out with eight million.

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