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I first realised I was going bald when it took me longer to wash my face every morning….

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Just heard on the radio that the dinosaurs died 65 million years ago on this exact day.
Rip Dinosaurs
26th April 64,997,984 BC

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Laughter is the best medicine unless you’re in the following situations.
1. You’ve broken your leg
2. You’re on fire.

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I was at McDonalds earlier today, just chilling when a really hot, shaggable girl walked up to me. She grabbed me and took me to her car. She ripped my clothes off and starts suскing me as if she’s dying of thirst. She suскеd long and slobbery and I let out a huge load. She looked up with the face of satisfaction.
Then I realised I’m a straw.

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Q. Why are restaurants better than hospitals for treating sick people?
A. Because thyme is a great healer.

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They say it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Try telling that to someone who has AIDS.

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I do 10 sit-ups every morning...
It may not sound like much, but there is only so many times you can hit the snooze button!

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"I'd like you to meet my half sister."
"Different fathers?"
"Nope. Shark attack."

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It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's just a game. Find the eye!

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"Would you like a table?"..." No I came to this resteraunt to eat on the floor, carpet for 5 please."

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Stop with these circumcise jokes! What's the cut?

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All generalizations are false, including this one.

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In the state of Texas, it was determined that 80% of all visits to the emergency room started with someone uttering the phrase, "Hold my вееr and watch this!"

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How come the pony couldn't speak?
Because, he was a little horse.

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Why do cyclones have girl names? because when they come they are cute and cudly but when they leave they took your car and house

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I was in the park the other day wondering why radio controlled air-planes get вiggеr the closer they get, and then it hit me.

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Exercise
... Ex... Er... Cise...
... Ex... Ar.. Size
... Eggs... Ar... Sides...
For Bacon..
Bacooooooooon.

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People are really strange. When you scream in a library they tell you to shut up but when you do it on an airplane everyone joins in.

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