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Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party.
That’s when I realised he was the favourite twin.

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Two Musicians’ in a major symphonic orchestra were discussing who they thought the LEAST talented musician in the band was. One of them said; that’s easy. See that guy standing in the back? Well, we just put two sticks in his hands and we call him a Drummer. The other responded; well, if we take one stick away, we call him a Conductor!

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Рlаyвоy doesn't show nudes. MTV doesn't play music videos. The Learning Channel makes you dumber. What happened to the world?

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His girlfriend had just learned to drive the car and now they were out in the suburbs racing along over seventy. “Doesn’t speeding over the beautiful country make you glad you are alive?” she asked.
“Glad?” He raised an eyebrow. “Glad in not the word for it. I’m amazed.”

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I remember when my wife was in labor and the nurse said it was time to push. She gave it everything she had, until a giant fаrт rang out that shook the room.
“Don’t worry,” I said, patting her head. “I’ve heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn’t that right, nurse?”
“Yes,” said the nurse, gagging, “but it’s usually the mother, not the father.”

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When you’re sad remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 5 muscles to shoot a sniреr riffle.

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One time my mother called me a son of a b*tch, so I hit her because no one talks trash about my mother, then I hit myself because no one hits my mother, she then hit me because no one hits her son and then hit herself because no one hits me, so I hit her because no one hits my mother.

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Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked,
"Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,
"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

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“Your assignment was to produce a piece containing exactly 20,000 dots,” my Art teacher said, “but I only see one.”
“They’re on top of each other.” I explained.

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Do you know what is absolutely ridiculous?
1. In New York if you jump off a building to commit suicide there is a death penalty. They'll revive you and then killed painfully.
2. It is illegal to die in some places; if you die, you'll be revived, sent to another country and then killed.
3. You'll kickass this.

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Here’s a tip for when you’re feeling shiт. Wear gloves

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What's round and snarling?
A vicious circle.

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We all have that one cup in the house that's better than the rest

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I was walking past my next door neighbours when I noticed her house was on fire, so I stripped nакеd ran in there and tried kissing her.
I don’t know what I was thinking, it was all in the heat of the moment.

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When I am told, "You'll regret that in the morning", I don't let it bother me.
Being a problem solver, I just sleep in till noon.

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Got attacked by a group of mime artists last night. They did unspeakable acts to me.

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Son:mom whats a girlfriend
Mom:ur a good boy you'll get one when ur older
Son:what if i'm not a good boy
Mom;then u'll get many

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A homeowner in the former USSR puts a call in to the plumber to request an appointment to get his toilet fixed. The plumber says hold while he looks it up in his appointment book.
Plumber: Okay, I can be by you on a Wednesday, in 3 years, 7 months, and five days from now.
Customer: Will that be morning or evening?
Plumber: Why do you ask?
Customer: Because the electrician is coming in the morning.

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