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Mcdonald's will start putting books in their happy meals. I'm gonna assume the first one will be "50 shades of diarrhea"!

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Delighted to learn that his new wallpaper was washable, the моrоn was furious when the very first time he washed it, it was snatched from the clothesline.

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What happens to a person when they're lost in a cornfield?
They get cornfused.

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Yesterday my girlfriend said "I'm gonna break up with you, if you drink one more вееr!" I took the offer.

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I hung up my phone and my wife looked at me and said "aint about time you got an upgrade? "
That was 6 months ago, i now have a new wife.

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A customer to the bartender, as he tries to convince him that he is not drunк... "I feel more like I do now than I did when I came in here!"

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*cop pulls me over*
Cop: Do you realize how fast you were going? me: No..
Cop: You were like NEEEEEEAWWW!! *Cop runs away with imaginary steering wheel*

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A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark, cob-web filled, rooms and passages.
"Don't worry," says the guide. "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years."

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Why are ghosts always honest?
They have no choice, you can see right through them!

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Got a really upset my stomach at the moment and just farted in my local supermarket. Luckily I was standing in the cheese isle at the so nobody noticed.

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Teacher: Did you hear about the actress who attacked her husband?
Student: No, who was it?
Teacher: Reese...
Student: Witherspoon?
Teacher: No, with her knife!

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You know you wont grow up if you are still trying to balance the switch between on and off

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I just saw a little girl get a "You're #1" sticker. She read it, "You're hashtag one." We're doomed.

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At a bar, one patron to another:
“Excuse me but I think you owe me a drink.”
Why?
“You’re so ugly that I dropped mine when I saw you”

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Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:
Port Left
Starboard Right

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Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.

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How do you get infected?
Touch your self

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Young riders pick a destination and go... Old riders pick a direction and go.

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