Jokes

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The weather forecast for tonight…. Dark!

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[During Interview] “Do you have any questions?” - Yeah, in The Titanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

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So I forgot my password today and after several wrong guesses a hint popped up. "Hint: Fuск you" Thanks for the help past self. Diск.

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I found my girlfriends debit card in the freezer today, I guess you can say her accounts were frozen.

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The winner of the X Factor was announced last night.
A proud Simon Cowell said the reaction from the public has been ‘unbelievable’ and ‘amazing’, with one person coming close to giving a fuск.

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One cold winter day on lake Erie, two guys were fishing about 20 feet apart through the ice.
One guy wasn't having any luck. The other guy was pulling out fish every time he put his line in the water.
This made the other guy curious. "Hey," he yelled to the other, "what are you using for bait??"
The other guy yelled back, "Mfff Mfff Ogghh Mfft Offt Berr Wttt"
The one guy was very puzzled and said,
"What?"
And again the other guy yelled back, "Mfff Mfff Ogghh Mfft Offt Berr Wttt"
Finally the guy had to know what the other guy was saying so he got up and walk over to him and said,
"What the hеll did you say?"
And then the guy spit something into his hands and said,
"You have to keep your bait warm"

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My boss asked me to start a presentation with a joke. I attached payslip on the first slide...

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Go to the pet store and buy birdseed then ask the clerk how long will the birds take to grow

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Did you hear about this new movie?
It's about a guy who is terrified of addition problems...
..."The Fear of all Sums"....

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My girlfriend was tragically killed by a goat last week which is ironic because her star sign is Leo.

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How does a guitar player make a million dollars?
He starts out with eight million.

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I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

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Things must be REALLY bad in finance land.
Today I went into a small appliance store to buy a toaster and they threw in a bank.

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Is a technique for distributing all the junk in your garage among all the other garages in the neighborhood.

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Just got a round the world plane ticket for only $1200. After just 40 hrs I was back at JFK airport.

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I find the biggest problem getting from country to country is simply getting my bags there. 'Cause airlines do not give a sh*t, do they? I get my bags lost, on average, once out of every time.

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Why can't idiots make Kool-Aid?
They can't get a quart of water to stay in the envelope

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While eating in an expensive restaurant, a patron overhead the gentleman at the next table ask the waitress t pack the leftovers for their dog. It was then that his young son exclaimed loudly, “Whoopee! We’re going to get a dog.”

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