Jokes

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Father: What do you see in that boyfriend of yours?
Teen daughter: Well... he’s reliable.
Father: He’s always late picking you up!
Teen daughter: I know and I can always count on it. Remember when you had to sit in the front room with my dates until I was ready?
Father: Now that you mention it, I’m beginning to like this guy!

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I saved 463 bucks on my car insurance today.
Now I’ve just got to hope that I don’t get pulled over in the next 12 months.

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Isn’t it strange that if you are Scottish and you live in a different country you’re known as Jоск.
If you’re Welsh you’re known as a Taffy.
If you’re Irish you’re known as Раddy.
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But if you’re English you’re just a сunт!

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What do Benefit street and Sesame street have in common?
They both have a big bird, a guy living in a bin and people trying to learn the alphabet.

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I just started a support group where no one sees or hears each other.
I don't know how many members there are because I don't hear or see any of them.

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If Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber were drowning in a swimming pool, what type of sandwich would you make?

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Bro: lol was I that drunк ? Me: well you dug up my mom's garden, because and I quote 'fuск FarmVille'

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What do you call a pirate without a ship?
A creative homeless guy.

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If you are thinking of taking your lady to see fifty shades of grey at the pictures as a Valentine’s treat make sure you go for the matinee showing.
That way the seats will have had a chance to dry out from the previous day.

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All I learned from Mario is that in order to get through anything, you'll need help from mushrooms.

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Just been thrown out by my landlord after making him really angry. He told me the only pet I was allowed was a fish so I got a 6ft shark.

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How do you get 100 old ladies to yell f*ck?
Have another one of them say bingo

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My girlfriend hasn't shaved in awhile so I figured I'd give her subtle hints so I texted her:
"Hows life baby gorilla. I mean babygirl*".

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If a butcher is 6 feet tall, wears size 9 shoes, and a waist size of 38, what does he weigh?
Meat.

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Got up at 6am today.
Did yoga.
Had a protein shake.
Ran six miles.
Started lying about everything.

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The weather forecast for tonight…. Dark!

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[During Interview] “Do you have any questions?” - Yeah, in The Titanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

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So I forgot my password today and after several wrong guesses a hint popped up. "Hint: Fuск you" Thanks for the help past self. Diск.

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