Jokes

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*wierd UFO floating in the sky*
Person 1: It's a bird!
Person 2: It's a plane!
Me: It's SUPERMAN!

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Guy 1: Spell "IMAP" then say "Ness"
Guy 2: I M A P Ness "I am a Реnis"

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I saw a sign that said "Speed Bumps".
I thought, my how times change! Speed used to кill.

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Bruce Willis always plays the same movie parts, of course he will.
You know what they say old habits..

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My boyfriend said he needs time and distance. Is he calculating velocity? He is so smart.

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Have you heard about that new film about the tractor?
I just saw the trailer.

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What do you call a tree without any branches?
A stick!

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There was a captain sailing on the sea during a battle.
His servant came up to him and the captain said, “bring me my red shirt”.
So, the servant did as the captain said.
After that the servant came up to the captain and said, Why did you say bring me my red shirt”?
The captain said, “Well if i get shot they won’t see the blood.
The next day the servant came up to the captain and said, “There are 50 ships on the horizon.”
The captain said, “Bring me my brown pants.

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Sometimes I get drunк and I get into arguments with taxi drivers. And I get out the cab and I slam the door. That's not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver. The way to win is you get out of the cab and you leave the door open.

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Mcdonald's will start putting books in their happy meals. I'm gonna assume the first one will be "50 shades of diarrhea"!

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Delighted to learn that his new wallpaper was washable, the моrоn was furious when the very first time he washed it, it was snatched from the clothesline.

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What happens to a person when they're lost in a cornfield?
They get cornfused.

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Yesterday my girlfriend said "I'm gonna break up with you, if you drink one more вееr!" I took the offer.

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I hung up my phone and my wife looked at me and said "aint about time you got an upgrade? "
That was 6 months ago, i now have a new wife.

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A customer to the bartender, as he tries to convince him that he is not drunк... "I feel more like I do now than I did when I came in here!"

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*cop pulls me over*
Cop: Do you realize how fast you were going? me: No..
Cop: You were like NEEEEEEAWWW!! *Cop runs away with imaginary steering wheel*

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A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark, cob-web filled, rooms and passages.
"Don't worry," says the guide. "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years."

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Why are ghosts always honest?
They have no choice, you can see right through them!

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