Jokes

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I saw a commercial on late night TV. It said,
"Forget everything you know about slipcovers."
So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were.

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Hurricane in the US: Board up the windows, get the sandbags in place, stock up on supplies, hide in the cellar and pray for salvation.
Hurricane in the UK: Ooh, better bring in the washing off the line

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If a schizophrenic threatens to commit suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

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I’m often accused of eavesdropping.
I just wish they’d have the guts to say it to my face.

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Did you hear about the crossword puzzle maker died?
He was buried 6 down and 3 across.

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Sign on a door:
"WARNING: Use door for entering and exiting only!"

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Got a new job today following in my fathers footsteps… I’ve become a minesweeper.

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The latest reports from the Internal Revenue service shows that it has streamlined its tax form this year.
It goes like this:
A. How much did you make last year?
B. How much do you have left?
C. Send B.

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Internet discussion:
User kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE!
User ukili: Try pressing CapsLock.
User kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!

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New funny categories:
Perspective jokes
And
Cat jokes

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If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
He’s standing right behind you.

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What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?
I missed you this morning.

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New categories:
Jokes to Tell
|
Dry Jokes

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Where do skeletons spend their vacation?
At the Dead Sea.

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I ordered an extension course, “How to Deal With Life’s Disappointments”.
Yesterday, I got the first lesson by post.
It was an empty envelope.

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Do you ever feel like the fifth wheel?
Think about it – wouldn’t that be the steering wheel?

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A homeless guy found a laptop somebody forgot on the train.
He immediately went and checked out what’s in the Trash bin

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The phrase “We can still be friends” is like saying “Yeah, the dog died – but you can have it stuffed!

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