Jokes

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A doctor asks his patient angrily, “Why did you send my bill back, unopened, Mr. Gunrick?”
Mr Gunrick explains, “But doctor, it was you who told me I must avoid any upsets and stress!”

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Hi, we're Michael and Kate. We'll be your joke tellers today.

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You might be a redneck if your house has more wheels then your car.

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I was going to tell a Mexican joke, but that's just crossing the border!

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Have you heard about that new coffee that makes you tired and unhappy. Its called depresso.

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The Japanese flag is actually just a pie chart about how many of them are scared of Godzilla.

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What do you get if you cross a left leg with a right leg?
A squashed ball.

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Wanna see an idiот in plastic?
Take a look at your driver's license.

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Why is there a ‘d’ in the word fridge but not in the word refrigerator?

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Just so I’ve got something to fall back on.

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My career as a karate instructor finally came to an end.
The parents found out I wasn’t qualified and just enjoyed beating up annoying children.

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You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it’s there?
Anyway, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

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Why do you need to make an appointment with a psychic? Surely they know you’re coming…

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A guy goes in to apply at the U. S. Postal Service. During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran.
The guy says “Yes, I fought over in Vietnam.”
Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities.
The guy responds, “Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my nuts off.”
“Great,” responds the interviewer, “The disabled Vet gets preference. You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a. M.”
“But doesn’t everyone normally start at 8 a. M.?”, asks the guy.
“Yes, But you don’t have to worry, we just stand around and scratch our ваlls for the first two hours anyway.”

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I was serving this smug сunт in a suit in Burger King when he asked, “So, do you enjoy your job then?”
“Yeah, it’s ok,” I replied.
He said, “I’m designing a robot that, in years to come, will take your place.”
“Good luck teaching it how to spit,” I said, handing over his burger.

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I went to my dentist last week and he said he was going to use helium on me.
“Will that numb the pain”, I asked?
He said,”no,but when you scream it will sound funny as fuск!!..

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My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.

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Love's a lot like a bullet in that the exit usually causes the most damage.

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