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I took a lie dectector test today, actually I didn’t really that was a lie.
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I just saw a little girl get a "You're #1" sticker. She read it, "You're hashtag one." We're doomed.
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At a bar, one patron to another:
“Excuse me but I think you owe me a drink.”
Why?
“You’re so ugly that I dropped mine when I saw you”
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Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.
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How do you get infected?
Touch your self
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Young riders pick a destination and go... Old riders pick a direction and go.
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What do you call a 70s cookie band?
OREO Speedwagon.
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Pop music is like scissors , it always loses to rock .
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It makes sense that Santa is Chinese since all of the toys are made in China..
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I hate it when people don't do their jobs. It's rampant in this country today. There's a company -- you know by their name they're not going to do anything: U-Haul.
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A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that so often used the name, Bubba.
He went to court to change it and appeared before a judge who asked, “Sir, why do you want to legally change your name, are you in trouble, hiding from the law, what?”
“No sir, Your Honor. I’m just tired of listening to jokes about rednecks that often use that name. It’s Bubba this, Bubba that, so I want my name changed.”
The judge asked, “And what name do you want it changed to?”
He said, “Candy.”
The judge replied, “Candy? Spell it for me.”
He said, “Candy, C-A-N-D-Y, Your Honor.”
The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, “Your name is now, Candy.”
He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard, “Who’s there?”
He said, “It’s me!”
She said, “Come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked.”
He said, “It’s not Bubba.”
She said, “Yes it is, I recognize your voice.”
He said, “It ain’t Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it.”
She asked, “What is it then?”
He said, “Guess.”
She said, “Leroy?”
He answered, “No.”
She said, “Johnny?”
He answered, “No.”
She said, “Неll, I give up, come on in.”
He said, “Wait, I’ll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth.”
She replies, “Oh!… Come on in, Diск!”
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Just had the following conversation at my local Italian restaurant.
Waitress: Sorry for keeping you waiting sir.
Me: That’s ok. Did you know that this salt рот contains 22,358 individual grains of salt?
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If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
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I love the look on people’s faces, standing soaked in the rain at the bus stop as I drive past.
It’s partly why I became a bus driver.
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Who shouted,"Coming Are British The! Coming Are British The!"?
Paul Reverse.
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An Ipod, a CD and a Cassette, each holding a different weapon, were stood staring at the body of a dead radio presenter.
The Ipod looked at the other two and said “We’ll blame the video!”
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What do you get when you cross a perfect poker hand with a successful bathroom experience by Queen Elizabeth?
A Royal Flush!
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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
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