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I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.

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Woke up feeling tired this morning, went and got on the bus took my seat and nodded off. I was woken to loads of people shouting and screaming.
I hate my job as a bus driver

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I hate street performers…
Then again, I’m a mime, so I can’t really talk.

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To an engineer, the glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as big as it needs to be.

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I used to be a wrestler.
I would get a guy in a head lock and write my name on their forehead.
It was my signature move.

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What is a video game characters favorite method of brawling? Hitboxing!

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If you enjoy arguing about lunches at 6 AM I can't recommend parenting highly enough.

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Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

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He may have a nice car but I have a fast sleigh

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At birth i had two important decisions to make... either i could have extremely great memory, or a really huge реnis. Unfortunately, I forgot which one i chose.

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Are you a drill sergeant cause my privates stand for attention

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Do you want to go to the dance with me if not i brought you a dildо to go fuск yourself with

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Are you a dog (Why?) Cause I'll feed you my boner

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Hey gurl, are you an alien? Cause dat аss is out of this world!

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You look like a million dollars. You are green and wrinkly

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A novelty store owner called a recent customer. "Mr. Jones? This is Mr. Peters, the owner of Peter's Novelties. Remember that boomerang you bought the other day? You paid for your purchase with a check, and unfortunately the check came back."
"You're lucky," replied the customer. "My boomerang didn't."

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An inexperienced real estate salesman asked his boss if he could refund the deposit to an angry customer who had discovered that the lot he had bought was under water.
“What kind of salesman are you?” the boss scolded. “Get out there and sell him a boat.”

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The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes. He replied "It's easy" and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top. He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato сhiрs and dip to draw in the customers. He laid out his сhiрs and dip. His boss said,
"That's a very innovative approach" and took one of the сhiрs, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Yuck, this tastes terrible!" his boss yelled. The salesman replied "IT IS! Want to buy a toothbrush?"

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