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An Ipod, a CD and a Cassette, each holding a different weapon, were stood staring at the body of a dead radio presenter.
The Ipod looked at the other two and said “We’ll blame the video!”

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What do you get when you cross a perfect poker hand with a successful bathroom experience by Queen Elizabeth?
A Royal Flush!

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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

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Three lunatics are attempting to escape from a mental hospital. The first one passes the guard, makes the sound of a cat, and continues.
The second one does exactly the same, meowing like a cat, and gets out, too.
The third then passes near the guard and yells, “I’m a cat too!”

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We used to have 4 different remote controls.
Then we got a Universal Remote.
Now we have 5 different remote controls.

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They say a baby has a brain like a sponge but I prefer to use a mop.

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My wife winked at me and said, “Do you fancy an early night?”
I said, “I thought you had a headache?” She said, “It’s gone.”
So I banged on a Slipknot CD at full volume.

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The after dinner speaker was droning on and on and on, bring everyone to tears. One of the guests, fighting to keep his drooping eyelids open, turned to the lady on his right and said, “Can nothing be done to shut him up?”
“If there is I’d like to know,” said the lady, “-I’m his wife and I’ve been trying to shut him up for thirty years!”

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I got fired as an estate agent the other day. It was for selling the wrong type of semi.

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I saw a commercial on late night TV. It said,
"Forget everything you know about slipcovers."
So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were.

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Hurricane in the US: Board up the windows, get the sandbags in place, stock up on supplies, hide in the cellar and pray for salvation.
Hurricane in the UK: Ooh, better bring in the washing off the line

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If a schizophrenic threatens to commit suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

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I’m often accused of eavesdropping.
I just wish they’d have the guts to say it to my face.

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Did you hear about the crossword puzzle maker died?
He was buried 6 down and 3 across.

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Sign on a door:
"WARNING: Use door for entering and exiting only!"

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Got a new job today following in my fathers footsteps… I’ve become a minesweeper.

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The latest reports from the Internal Revenue service shows that it has streamlined its tax form this year.
It goes like this:
A. How much did you make last year?
B. How much do you have left?
C. Send B.

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Internet discussion:
User kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE!
User ukili: Try pressing CapsLock.
User kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!

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