Jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular

I sell ammunition. My motto is, "ALWAYS leave them wanting more!"

0

0

"This house," said the real estate salesperson, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

0

0

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.
The first spaceman says, “The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons.”
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”
The first spaceman says, “I don’t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.”

0

0

As a funeral director, I take every chance I get to tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.
Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be fuскing hilarious

0

0

I don’t have to pick strawberries for a living, I just do it for the luxuries - like bread and shoes. …

0

0

Fighting for peace is like fuскing for virginity.

0

0

My wife hired a fact checker for when we argue.

0

0

You seem like a sweet girl. Mind if I liск you to find out?

0

0

Im a squirrel and you are nuts.

0

0

Hey, you a power switch? Cuz you turn me on.

0

0

Benefits of dating me:
- You'd be dating me.
I'd go on, but I think I made my point.

0

0

Are you an angel?
Cause I'm allergic to feathers.

0

0

Why did the shoe salesman dance all day?
He had a lot of sole.

0

0

The travel agent made a mistake and booked me in a bad part of Atlanta called "Atlanta."

0

0

While I was in the hospital, the surgeons found a large lump in my wallet…
…
…
But they got all of it.

0

0

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip… …
…
They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. …
…
The engineer rolls his eyes. ‘You forgot to account for wind. Give it here.’ He snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. … …
…
Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells, “We got him!”
Some people will think this is an average joke. Other people may think it’s a rather mean joke. Take your pick.

0

0

Impressively, only 2% of the people I operated on died last year.
But for some reason the authorities think that’s too high for a dentist.

0

0

Guy (to a fly lady): Did you crawl out of a B-17 cause you're the bomb.

0

0