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Just so I’ve got something to fall back on.

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My career as a karate instructor finally came to an end.
The parents found out I wasn’t qualified and just enjoyed beating up annoying children.

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You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it’s there?
Anyway, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

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Two prostitutes are discussing the hazards of their job
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One says, “Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
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“No, but I’ve been slung around by the тiтs.”

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Why do you need to make an appointment with a psychic? Surely they know you’re coming…

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A guy goes in to apply at the U. S. Postal Service. During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran.
The guy says “Yes, I fought over in Vietnam.”
Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities.
The guy responds, “Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my nuts off.”
“Great,” responds the interviewer, “The disabled Vet gets preference. You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a. M.”
“But doesn’t everyone normally start at 8 a. M.?”, asks the guy.
“Yes, But you don’t have to worry, we just stand around and scratch our ваlls for the first two hours anyway.”

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I was serving this smug сunт in a suit in Burger King when he asked, “So, do you enjoy your job then?”
“Yeah, it’s ok,” I replied.
He said, “I’m designing a robot that, in years to come, will take your place.”
“Good luck teaching it how to spit,” I said, handing over his burger.

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I went to my dentist last week and he said he was going to use helium on me.
“Will that numb the pain”, I asked?
He said,”no,but when you scream it will sound funny as fuск!!..

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My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.

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Love's a lot like a bullet in that the exit usually causes the most damage.

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I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.

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Woke up feeling tired this morning, went and got on the bus took my seat and nodded off. I was woken to loads of people shouting and screaming.
I hate my job as a bus driver

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You think you are having trouble getting laid? Yesterday the hоокеr I had just paid for told me she had a headache.

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To an engineer, the glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as big as it needs to be.

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I used to be a wrestler.
I would get a guy in a head lock and write my name on their forehead.
It was my signature move.

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What is a video game characters favorite method of brawling? Hitboxing!

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If you enjoy arguing about lunches at 6 AM I can't recommend parenting highly enough.

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Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

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