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Are you a happy meal? Cuz I'm Lovin it!
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Did it hurt when you fell from heaven????
Me: yea i kindah f*cked up my elbo ????????
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Biy:Im calling the cops on you...
Girl:Why?
Boy:Coz you stole something from me
Girl:What?
Boy:You stole my heart
Kickass if you laughed
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If you had 11 roses in your arms and looked in the mirror;
You would see the twelve most gorgeous things in the world.
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I like to sleep when I travel long distances.
Might be why I lost my job as a pilot.
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Last weekend I encountered a blind рrоsтiтuте.
Ya gotta hand it to her.
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I’m constantly having to separate fact from fiction.
I hate being a librarian.
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What do you call a German gynecologist?
Hans Upperkunt.
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I went for a job at NASA yesterday.
Everything was going well until they asked me what my ambitions were.
I replied, “The sky’s the limit!” and they told me to fuск off!
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I slept with one of those ‘high class’ prostitutes the other week.
I’m not happy though, the вiтсh gave me lobsters.
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Me: do you like water
Girl: yah sure why
Me: then I guess you like 72% of me
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You girl, you gotta let me squirtell all over them jiggelypuffs
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A plane was once flying over an island when the passengers heard the pilot's voice:
“Ladies & Gentlemen, if you look on the right side of the plane, you'll see an engine on fire. If you look on the left side, you'll see a wing on fire. And if you look down, you'll see me and my co-pilot in parachutes, waving at you. This is a recording.”
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I was having dinner with my boss and his wife, and she asked “How many potatoes would you like?” …
I said, “I’ll just have one please.” ….
She said “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.” …
“Alright, I’ll just have one then, you sтuрid вiтсh”.
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I was walking down the street and I saw these two blokes wearing matching outfits, right down to the same belts.
I yelled out, “hey Diскhеаds, do you know you’re wearing the exact same clothes today?”
It was at this point that they arrested me!
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Have you ever wondered how sтuрid a balloon seller feels in the high street when he’s down to his last balloon?
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I don’t want to seem like a whistleblower but I truly believe management is pushing the IT staff, programmers and coders too far.
One poor chap went to the Emergency Room and they couldn’t find any blood in his coffeestream.
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Tunafish
Three guys, who all were employed building high rise buildings, sat down on the scaffold to eat lunch one day. The first one opened his lunch and said, “Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. If my old lady packs tuna fish one more time I’m jumping.”
The other two guys opened their lunches and said, “Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. If I get tunafish one more time I’m jumping.”.
The next day, the first guy opens his lunch and says, “Ahhhh, my old lady packed ham and cheese.”
The second guy opens his lunch and says, “Ahhhhhh, my old lady packed sliced roast beef and mayonnaise.”
The third guy opened his lunch and said, “Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. All right, that’s it. I’m jumping.” So he goes to the edge and jumps off to his death.
The other two look on not believing what just happened. After a while the first guy says, “Gee, that’s sad. He actually jumped.”
The second guy says, “Yeah, the worst part is that he packed his own lunches.”
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