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What is the first thing a PhD with a major in history say when he knocks on your door? … …
…
“Pizza!”
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I start my new job in a bike shop on Monday.
I’ll be putting wheels on menstrual cycles…
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Guy: Do you have a map?
Girl: No, why do you ask?
Guy: Because I think I just got lost in your eyes.
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A guy in a bar, trying a new pick-up line, says to a girl, "Do you like raisins?"
She says,
"No, sorry."
He then says,
"Do you like nuts?"
She says,
"No, sorry."
Finally he says,
"How about a date?"
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Hey baby, I wanna put my philosophers stone into your chamber of secrets releasing the prisoner of Azkaban into your goblet of fire giving you the deathly hallows!
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1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get вiggеr. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get вiggеr again.
3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.
4. It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fаn in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landing you make equal to the number of take-offs you’ve made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
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I went to the dentist today and he said, “I’m afraid your molars will have to come out.”
“Why?” I asked, “There’s nothing wrong with them.”
He replied, “Yes I know, but I need to buy a new car.”
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Before going in for surgery I thought it would be funny if I stuck a post-it note on myself telling the surgeon to be careful. ….
….
After the surgery I found another post-it note on myself:
- ”Anyone know where my cell phone is????????”
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I’ve quit my new job as a postman.
They handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
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I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, “I love my job, I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do…” ….
….
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Then I said, “turn Left.”
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Dамn girl, are you a Prius? You're giving me the silent treatment and I can't tell if you're turned on.
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According to Isaac Newton your attracted to me
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Want to taste the rainbow. I'm wearing skittles chap stick
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Can I call you a Тwinкiе cause when I bite into you, you cream in my mouth
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Are you a unicorn cause you look magical
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Ill be Burger King and you'll be McDonald's ill have it my way and you be loving it!!! ;D Look ma i did something with my life are you proud of me now????? By Lionso
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If I had a rose for every time I thought of you we would be walking through a never-ending garden!
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BOY:Are you tired?
GIRL:Why?
BOY:Because you've been running through my mind all day.
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