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What did the guy's carphone answering machine say?
"Hi, I'm home right now so I can't take your call."
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A Physicist, Chemist and Biologist walk down the beach to the ocean. They stand together and watch the waves as the water splashes up to meet their feet.
“Look at those waves, the shear crushing weight of the water powered by tidal forces! I must study them further!” Says the Physicist, as he walked out into the water, never to be seen again.
“All that life in the ocean, from the smallest plankton to the giant whales! I must study them further!” The Biologist says as he wades into the waves, never to be seen again.
The Chemist watches the waves for a couple more minutes, checks his watch, pulls out a pad of paper and writes: Physicists and Biologists are soluble in seawater… clicks his pen and walks home.
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This bloke goes up to a girl at the bar and asks will you sleep with me for 1 million dollars. She says sure.
He said I’ll give you 100 dollars for a fсuк.
She says what do you think I  am a whоrе.
He says I already established that. Now I’m negotiating the price.
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ITS A BOY” I shouted “A BOY, I DON’T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY”
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I’d never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
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I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.
My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, “Don’t do that again.”
“Sorry,” I said, “It must be the nerves.”
“Fair enough,” he replied, “But there was no need to hold the microphone to your аrsе.”
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A n out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.
Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”
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I love you in the way that makes my pants fit funny.
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Are you a happy meal? Cuz I'm Lovin it!
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Did it hurt when you fell from heaven????
Me: yea i kindah f*cked up my elbo ????????
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Biy:Im calling the cops on you...
Girl:Why?
Boy:Coz you stole something from me
Girl:What?
Boy:You stole my heart
Kickass if you laughed
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I challenge anyone to try this line and if i'm right about it come and give me a kick аss, it's 1000000000% going to get you a favorable respond, It's that bulletproof. Ask any girl-- Excuse me by any chance are you AFRICAN? first response will 99-100 times be no I'm not, then you respond with "You must be AFRICAN because Ah-Frican-Love You
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If you had 11 roses in your arms and looked in the mirror;
You would see the twelve most gorgeous things in the world.
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Last weekend I encountered a blind рrоsтiтuте.
Ya gotta hand it to her.
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I’m constantly having to separate fact from fiction.
I hate being a librarian.
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What do you call a German gynecologist?
Hans Upperkunt.
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I went for a job at NASA yesterday.
Everything was going well until they asked me what my ambitions were.
I replied, “The sky’s the limit!” and they told me to fuск off!
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I slept with one of those ‘high class’ prostitutes the other week.
I’m not happy though, the вiтсh gave me lobsters.
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Me: do you like water
Girl: yah sure why
Me: then I guess you like 72% of me
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