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Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said don’t look down. Timmy looked down. Timmy said “What’s that?”. Timmy’s dad said “that’s Mr. Wiggles”. Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy’s mom said don’t look down. Timmy looked down. Timmy said “What’s that?”. Timmy’s mom said “that’s my garden”. Timmy’s mom said don’t look up. Timmy looked up. Timmy said “What are those?”. Timmy’s mom said those are her headlights. Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said don’t look under the covers. Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled “MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!”

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I didn’t trip and fall… I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning :3

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You know i got attacked by a man with cheese and a bit of milk.
How dairy!!

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If Stephen Hawking Gets a Heart Attack, where do you go, The hospital or curry’s PC World

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You know what I saw today?
Everything I looked at.

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You just made a Мisт-ake

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Why did the cloud apply to stormtrooper training school?
He мisт.

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Water to his Dad, Steam: Hi, Dad, I мisт you!
Steam: double-you(w). aich(h). ay(a). tee(t)?

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When I мisт I miss

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Number 1 ventriloquist dies at age 76, will be mist

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I went outside to catch some dog but I mist

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How is the world like dirt?Because we don’t think twice about it.

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I can hear the whole world booing me

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How do you know youre following a dolorean? the white line disappears

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A mom and her son are taking a walk when they pass a homeless man fapping, the boy asks “what is that man doing?”. The mom says “Making pizza” trying to turn him away.
The son sees a dog fuскing another dog and he asks the same thing. She says “Making extra cheese”. When they pass a window and see a couple doing it, he asks the same thing. She says “Ordering the pizza”.
Later that day the mother says to the father “I think I want some to order some pizza with extra cheese tonight, dont know why that sounds good”.
So that night the husband who was watching tv yelled up the stairs “wanna order some pizza !?”
The mother replied “DONT WORRY IM MAKING SOME”
The sons voice followed " IM ADDING EXTRA CHEESE"

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All my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to achieve something. Now, after messing up my life at every possible chance, I finally realize that what I really want is to have been someone after following through with one thing.

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Your forehead is so huge, you dont have dreams, you have movies, follow me on instagram: _zer0x3

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A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

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