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What does Jimmy Saville and 9/11 have in common? They're an inside job.

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Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!
Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie… But she still is in my basement, since she can’t run!

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Before my grandad died he whispered to me is your uncle still in the basement i said he has died oh my grandad said i will lock him in heavens basement

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3.
A sloth takes 2 weeks to digest the food he’s eaten.

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I threw away my can opener.
It was more of a can’t opener.

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Me: I’d like to travel…
My bank account: To work?

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A man limps to the doctor’s office and gasps, “Doctor, I was bitten by my dog.”
The doctor checks, “Did you put anything on it?”
“No, he seemed to be enjoying the taste without any condiments.”

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“Well we can’t have this Mr. Rigby!” the doctor tells off his patient. “You pay me with a check and when I send it in to the bank, it bounces right back!”
“Isn’t that a coincidence, doctor, so does my eczema.”

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Teacher explains to the children in civic education, “Every minute that I stand here talking to you, 12 people die.”
Little Johnny raises his hand, “perhaps you could try some mouthwash?”

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That awkward moment when your parents have been telling you not to jump on the bed, but what do you hear at 11 pm? Your parents jumping on the bed.

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They’re introducing fасiаl recognition in smart phones.
I’m guessing 60% of women will have serious problems calling anyone in the mornings.

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I asked what I should bring to the party. The hosts said – nothing, just bring a happy face.
I had to cancel.

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How do I eat consciously?
You try not to lose consciousness when eating.

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What does an unemployed liberal arts graduate say to an employed liberal arts graduate?
Yes please, I’d love some ketchup for my fries.

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What is small, square and green?
A small green square.

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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
The police.
You have to hang on a minute, I’m pooping.
Yeah, we know. The photo booth has glass doors.

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"Looks are not important. It’s what’s inside you that’s really valuable."
Howard, 37, black market оrgаn dealer

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“A few years back I’ve been on vacation in the Alps – wife got pregnant. The year after that – the Rockies, wife got pregnant. Two years after that – Tenerife, wife got pregnant. And another vacation’s coming up…”
“So what are you going to do?”
“I think I’m going to have to take her with me this year, just in case.”

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