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Me: I’d like to travel…
My bank account: To work?

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A man limps to the doctor’s office and gasps, “Doctor, I was bitten by my dog.”
The doctor checks, “Did you put anything on it?”
“No, he seemed to be enjoying the taste without any condiments.”

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“Well we can’t have this Mr. Rigby!” the doctor tells off his patient. “You pay me with a check and when I send it in to the bank, it bounces right back!”
“Isn’t that a coincidence, doctor, so does my eczema.”

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That awkward moment when your parents have been telling you not to jump on the bed, but what do you hear at 11 pm? Your parents jumping on the bed.

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They’re introducing fасiаl recognition in smart phones.
I’m guessing 60% of women will have serious problems calling anyone in the mornings.

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I asked what I should bring to the party. The hosts said – nothing, just bring a happy face.
I had to cancel.

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“I’m a man with class.”
- Peter, 59, teacher.

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How do I eat consciously?
You try not to lose consciousness when eating.

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What does an unemployed liberal arts graduate say to an employed liberal arts graduate?
Yes please, I’d love some ketchup for my fries.

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What is small, square and green?
A small green square.

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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
The police.
You have to hang on a minute, I’m pooping.
Yeah, we know. The photo booth has glass doors.

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"Looks are not important. It’s what’s inside you that’s really valuable."
Howard, 37, black market оrgаn dealer

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Average speed of a wife in a shopping mall: $200 per hour.

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Mommy, who’s that black man?”
“Don’t touch Daddy, darling, he’s still electrified.”

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A wife tells her husband, “I’m just going to pop over to Jenny next door for 5 minutes, don’t forget to stir the curry every half an hour!”

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Roger, when people say their date went well because they had chemistry, they don’t mean roofies.

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My friend and I got arrested by the police. When we were in the police car, one of the officers told us to put the seatbelt on. My friend said, “Don’t worry about it. If anybody stops us, I’ll pay the fine.”
Everybody laughed.

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Pregnant women are the only true body builders.

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