Jokes

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Some annoying cold caller was trying to sell me a luxury coffin. I could only say, “Dude, that is the last thing I’ll need.”

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Hey man, you look like сrар!
Yes, I have a cold.
Jesus, AND you have a cold?!

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My son is 9 and wants to move out because we constantly forbid him everything.
Well, we forbid him that too.

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To all those people who don't know what real panic is: Try blocking the toilet in your future parents-in-law’s home.

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My grandma gave me this great advice, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” She was right! You just have to really work on your aim.

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When you think about it, forming meatballs is like stroking animals, just a bit late.

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Police officer approaches a woman on the shore, “I’m sorry ma’am, but it’s forbidden to bathe here.”
The woman is surprised, “But why are you telling me now, you’ve just watched me put on my bikini and tanning oil...?
The police officer shrugs, “Well that is not forbidden.”

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Two men are talking, “So, how’s the new job?”
“Like paradise, really.”
“No kidding? How so?”
“I could get kicked out any day.”

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New category:
The Delightful List of Jokes

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“Waiter, my coffee mug is damaged.”
“Yes sir, our coffee cannot hide how strong it is.”

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Women:
“Communication is the most important thing in a relationship.”
2 million hours – The average time men spend trying to find out why their darling is angry with them.

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I was walking past a clothes shop and saw a beautiful dress in the shop window. I went in and asked the shop assistant, “Hi, can I please try on the dress in the shop window?”
“Of course,” nodded the shop assistant, “but you know we also have changing rooms, right?”

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At a job Interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I take matters in my own hands.”
“Ok, thank you. We will contact you.”
“No, I will contact you.”

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What is the most dangerous sports in the world?
Being the goalie in soccer. The other team just keeps shooting at you.

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Two grandmas, Agnes and Esme, are meeting at a café. They’re having a nice chat over cake and coffee when suddenly Agnes remarks, “Um, Esme, you seem to have a suppository in your left ear…”
Esme is surprised and fishes the suppository out of her ear, looks at it for a while and sighs, “Well I guess I know where to find my hearing aid then.”

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Condoms. By humans, for humans, on humans, in humans – against more humans.

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May 2020 horoscope:
Aries (March 21 – April 20) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.
Libra (September 23 – October 23) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 22) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 20) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.
Pisces (February 21 – March 20) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.

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My doctor sent me for a prostate exam to the nearest hospital.
I went, reluctantly, got called in the office and patiently suffered through the - frankly very personal - examination.
When the examining surgeon left, a nurse came in and asked a question that sent shivers down my soul:
“Who the heck was that?”

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