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Doctor to Mrs. Spew:
“Is your daughter always stuttering like that?”
Mrs. Spew shakes her head:
“No, only when she wants to say something.”

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“I’ve had enough of your constant demands. It's too much for me. I can't stand it anymore, it hurts!”
Fitness coach, “Come on man. It was just one push up.”

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Honey, do you find me very fат?
How do I put this, darling – I know four very fат people. And you’re two of them!

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Caller, “I’m hearing you real bad.”
Me (without changing anything), “Better now?”
Caller, “Yes.”

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2.
It is impossible to stand backwards on stairs.

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5.

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6.
Butt is actually a British measuring unit equivalent to 125 US gallons or 105 imperial gallons.

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Paul:
“I’ve got problems with mathematics.”
Michael:
“Me too.”
Eric:
“Yeah, that makes four of us.”

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Why didn’t the dinosaur cross the road?
Because there weren't even any roads during the Jurassic Period!

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One pen pal to another, “Can you tell me what you look like?”
“Do you know Beyonce?”
“Yes!”
“So, not like that.”

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What did the toilet roll complain about?
"People just keep ripping me off!"

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What to do when somebody is trying to start an argument with you? Simply eat a few cookies. They taste very nice and you can’t hear anything over the crunching.

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I looked at my crush while I was filling her glass with water. The water overflowed and spilled all over my trousers. She looked at me and asked, “What are you doing?” I said, “For you, I will always give 110 percent…”

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I burnt 1500 calories yesterday. I left a cake in the oven for too long.

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Why are there such huge waiting times in emergency rooms in all hospitals?
Because they’re testing the theory that time heals all wounds.

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“Waiter, take your thumb off my schnitzel immediately!”
“Oh yeah? And have it fall down again!?”

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Isn’t it funny – when you eat a sausage, you digest it and the body makes it again into a sausage.

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Bones decay very slowly. I'm thinking about all those dinosaurs and that my my baby teeth are still out there.

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