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You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my nакеd body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start suскing.
Stupid mosquitoes!

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I read the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics. Well, that would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.

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Today, I found a mosquito, I sat right next to it and kept on buzzing so he would see what it’s like, not being able to sleep!

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I did a self-defense course.
I wouldn’t recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now.

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What can I eat in the evening in front of the TV that wouldn’t make me fат?
Your fingernails.

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A smoothie. The miracle of selling somebody a peach and a banana for $5.

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Bishop to the Pope: Congratulations on your name’s day Your Holiness!
Pope: But today we do not commemorate the name of Benedict?
Bishop: It is the 16th, though.

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I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer.
I saw it clearly through my binoculars.

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My step mother came to me and demanded that I take all her clothes off.
So I took off her blouse.
She said, “Now off with the skirt.”
I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.”
And when I did that, she said, “Now the вrа and the раnтiеs.”
I took them off. She continued, “And don’t ever let me catch you wearing my stuff again!”

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I was the best door-to-door security alarms salesmen for many years running.
The trick was to just leave a brochure on the kitchen table if there was nobody home.

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That moment when you want to be really cool in the cinema and start flipping popcorn into the air to catch it with your open mouth, but instead you get it in your open eye and the rest of the movie is just blurry.

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The urologist is about to leave his office and says:
Ok, let's рiss off now."

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Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says:
“Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.”
“Really? Why do you think so?”
“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”

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Q: How long does a Russian need to reach a BAC of 0,8?
A: About two days of no drinking.

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That moment when you’re trying to fish out a piece of meat from between your teeth and end up looking like you’re having fасiаl spasms.

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Three men are riding on just one motorcycle. They pass a police patrol. The policeman shouts after them: “Police! Stop your vehicle now!” But they just continue driving past.
The last man turns around and yells: „Sorry dude! We can’t take you on, we’re already one too many!”

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I found the perfect new super hero name for me:
Irony Man

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Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?”.
“No, how?”
“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

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