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My hamster died today. He fell asleep at the wheel.

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Person 1:
"On a scale of 1-100, how immature are you?"
Person 2: 69... hehe

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Q: Did you hear about that mathematician with constipation? A: He worked it out with a pencil.

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The only "B" word you should call a woman is beautiful. Вiтсhеs love to be called beautiful.

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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

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An ironing board is just a surfboard that gave up on its dreams and got a real job.

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Congratulations! You've won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.

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Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick.

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Q: What's green and has wheels?
A: Grass, I was lying about the wheels.

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What's the difference between a unicorn and lettuce?

One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

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I tried to convince my little girl that it's perfectly normal to accidentally роор your pants.
...But she didn't buy it. She's still making fun of me.

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3 unwritten rules of life
1)
2)
3)

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I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. But I turned myself around.

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Q: If an electric train is traveling north-by-northeast at 59 MPH, and the wind is blowing west at 18 MPH, which way is the smoke blowing? A: There is no smoke; it's an electric train.

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I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"

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- What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
- I don’t know, and I don’t care.

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If I wanted to кill myself I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your iq

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What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? – Steven Hawking after a house fire.

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