Jokes

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"Dude she has a boyfriend".
"So? Soccer has a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score."

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I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening.
It's called вiтсhеs & hoes.

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1. Find a small child
2. Name him bitches
3. Fuск Bitches
Wait No...

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My rabbit died yesterday.
Now I guess he's just
*puts on sunglasses*
Some bunny that I used to know.

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Hey I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But I'm on bath salts,
And your face looks tasty.

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I'm thinking about dumping my girlfriend, but I'm not sure how to go about it.
In a lake is probably the easiest.

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*Sees girl at a party, sitting alone on a bench*
Me: Wanna dance?
Girl: Who, me?
Me: No, the fuскing bench.. *dances with bench*

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I woke up this morning to my neighbor mowing his fuскing lawn. I was gonna get up and yell at him but I thought, fuск it, he can mow around me.

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My wife hasn't stopped looking through the window since it started raining.
If it gets any worse, I might have to let her back in.

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Wanna come over to my place and watch роrn on my 60 inch flat screen mirror?

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Me: Excuse me ma'am. Is your name by any chance, Google?
Her: No, why?
Me:
'Cause you have everything I'm searching for. *gets laid*

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Cop: Did you know drinking and driving is aganist the law?
Me: Then why is there parking lots at the bar?
(cop is speachless)

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Today, i was watching the jersey shore. I realized they are not bros, they are just douchebags

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Beer
The cause of and solution to all of the problems of life.
- Homer J. Simpson

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The awkward moment when your playing hide n' seek and you hide in the shower and someone goes in to take a shiт...

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*washing car*
Neighbor: You washing your car?
Me: No. Im watering it to see if it grows into a bus...

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*gets caught маsтurватing*
Mom: Is this what you do on Saturday nights!? You маsтurвате??
Me: No! I do it everyday

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Mom:
"I heard you failed your English exam?"
Me: WHO TELLED YOU?!

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