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Sweater is a pretty disgusting name for a piece of clothing.

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I and Bill Gates have a combined fortune of approximately 80 billion dollars.

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How does the non-stick coating stick to the pan?!I

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It would be very nice if the car navigation voice would get more and more excited as you'd get closer to your destination.

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The goal of golf is to play as little golf as possible.

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Are those who sneeze the most blessed?

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If weights became invisible, a gym would turn into a slow motion disco.

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Has a giraffe ever smelled its own fаrт?

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Is a paper cut the tree’s way of getting back at you?

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The devil shakes a pitchfork, the grim reaper swings a scythe… So is farming a big thing in the underworld?

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When a pregnant woman takes a bath, she’s become a human submarine.

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When you go to sleep at 4 am, is it going to bed late or early?

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Three guys are sitting in a bar, вiтсhing about life.
“My wife is cheating on me with a hockey player,” sighs one.
“How do you know?” asks his friend?
“I found a hockey stick under the bed…”
“Oh no. Miranda is also cheating on me, you know, with a football player. I found a football under the bed.”
“Oh boys. What have things gotten to,” sighs the third guy, “my wife is cheating on me with a horse. I found a jockey under the bed.”

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An English lord is sitting down in the breakfast room when suddenly there’s a huge ваng and a car comes crashing through the wall.
The lord doesn’t twitch an eyebrow and simply invites the unfortunate but unharmed driver to join him at breakfast.
Once the breakfast is over, he casually asks the driver, “Where were you headed, anyway?”
“Blackpool.”
“Oh, it would have been shorter to cut through the kitchens.”

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A woman calls a removal company to get rid of her old washing machine.
At 4 pm, the doorbell rings.
The woman opens the door and sees a one-armed removal man standing in front of her.
The one-armed man asks, “Is this the flat with the washing machine to be removed?”
The woman answers, “Yes, but how will you manage with just one arm?”
The man replies, “Why, do you have two washing machines?!“

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A man flies over the ocean. Suddenly the plane malfunctions and crashes on a remote island. He’s the only survivor and when he becomes conscious, he sees a horde of cannibals approaching, led by a very strong guy with a spear. “Oh no, now I’m sсrеwеd…”he thinks.
Suddenly he hears a voice in his head:
“No, you’re not sсrеwеd. Run to the guy with the spear, take it away from him and stab him in the stomach.”
So he stands up, runs to the guy and does exactly that.
The voice in his head appears again:
“See? Now you’re sсrеwеd.”

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A guy is at the doctor’s.
“Do you smoke?” asks the doctor.
“No, I quit ten years ago,” says the guy.
“Do you drink?”
“No.”
“Don’t you have any other passion?” probes the doctor.
“Well, I do love playing Bridge…”
“OK, you need to stop playing Bridge!”

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A guy comes home from a doctor’s office and tells his wife he’s got hemorrhoids.
“You’ll have to give me massages, wife.”
“Oh dear. How?”
“Wait, I’ll show you how the doctor did it. Here, put your right hand on my right shoulder, your left hand on my left… Hang on, what the heck has he been massaging me with???!!!”

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