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"Hey come with me to the store."
"No!"
"I'll buy you something."
"Oh, ok"

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Me: I wasn't that drunк..
Myself: Dude, you were talking to yourself!
Me: ... And...
Myself: ... And you still are.

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Some mornings I wake up Вiтсhy.
Other mornings, I just let her sleep.

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Brownie in a mug:
1/4 cup of flour
1/4 cup of sugar
2 Tbsp of cocoa
2 Tbsp of olive oil
Pinch of salt
3 Tbsp of water
Mix in a mug and microwave for 1 min 30 sec
You're welcome

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It doesn't matter if you're Black or White, but if you're Orange...

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Let's all pray that Jamaica isn't the first country to get plagued by the zombie epidemic. Cause the last thing we need is zombies that can run at 100mph.

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BF: Hey we need to breakup. sorry
Gf: what? why? :
'(
BF: oh sorry... wrong person.
GF: Oh okay... wait WHAT?

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Mom - "Let me see your laptop for a minute"
Me - throws laptop out the window. "WHAT РОRN!?"

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In just 9 months we will be witness to a population boom. Known as the "Shades of Grey Babies."

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Me: Can i borrow 5 dollars grandpa?
Grandpa: 10 dollars? What do u need 200 dollars for? 5 grand should be enough. Heres my boat and dont tell ur father

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Opinions are like оrgаsмs.
Mine matters most, and I could care less if you have one.

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Wait until someone is about to sneeze. Right before they do, loudly scream "PIKA PIKKAAAA!!"

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Wendys: uh lemme get a #2 with a drink. That'll be $12.35
Taco Веll: uh.. Lemme get the right side of the menu with a large drink. That'll be $5.46

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Carly Rae Jepsen: I threw a wish in a well
Me: How the fuск do you throw a wish in a we...
Carly Rae Jepsen: Don't ask me I'll never tell
Me: ... Yeah ok.

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What time does michal jackson go to bed
When the big hand touches the little one

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I'm on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot.
I'd originally set out to find cheap gas, but I decided to keep my goals realistic.

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Thieves broke into the local movie theater and stole $240.
They took a bag of popcorn and a large drink.

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Why are scary movies always in creepy places like jails and hospitals? I want a scary movie in Walmart.
"Clean up on aisle 13"
"But sir... There is no aisle 13.." *dramatic music*

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