Jokes

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*Nerd and sluт finally make up and become boyfriend and girlfriend*
Slut - What are you going to do to me?
Nerd - I'm going to treat you like my homework, Slam you on my desk and do you all night long.

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5 Terrible puns:
- 1: This girl said she knew me from the vegetarian club but I'd never met herbivore.
- 2: I can't find my coat. I hope somebody didn't jacket.
- 3: She told me I was average. I think she was just being mean.
- 4: I donated blood and they told me I was type-a. It turned out to be a type-o.
- 5: My class went on a field trip to the coca cola factory. I hope there's not a pop quiz.

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When my newborn daughter was born, I decided to name her Bambi. In hopes that someone would shoot her mother.

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Adele:
"I set fire to the rain!"
Spongebob:
"LOL, вiтсh please. I make campfires underwater."

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Epic prank call idea....
You: Did u hide the body?
Them: uhh...
You: Good. Now get into your car and drive to las Vegas. go to treasure island. there will be a helicopter there waiting to take you to the boarder between Texas and mexico. there u will meet Pedro. he will take u across the border. u will then go to Mexico city and live under the name Marcos. got it?
Them: HOLY SНIТ!!!

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Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and have them all to yourself?
Well, apparently it's called kidnapping.

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Ever want to say IDK without sounding sтuрid?
Say this:
I hesitate to articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy.

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Just tripped over my girlfriends вrа. I guess you could say it was...
*lights cigar*
A воовy trap.

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Walmart Logic...
Lets put in 30 cash registers and only keep 3 open!

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Bacon is bacon, eggs are eggs.
Don't let a guy get between ur legs.
He says ur cute, he says ur fine.
9 months later, he says it's not mine

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' aww what a cute dog '
*walks closer*
"Bark bark bark"
' well fuск you too then you ugly shiт '

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Watching my dog liск his ваlls makes me jealous. I wish I could do that.
But when I try, he growls.

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"Dude she has a boyfriend".
"So? Soccer has a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score."

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I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening.
It's called вiтсhеs & hoes.

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1. Find a small child
2. Name him bitches
3. Fuск Bitches
Wait No...

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I like how the Ninja Turtles wear masks. Good way to hide your identity. I mean, its not like your a giant fuскing turtle or anything.

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My rabbit died yesterday.
Now I guess he's just
*puts on sunglasses*
Some bunny that I used to know.

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Hey I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But I'm on bath salts,
And your face looks tasty.

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