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Two spiders crawled under my keyboard.
I've got one under ctrl but the other managed to esc!

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When I was born I was given 2 choices, a big diск or good memory...
Unfortunately, I can't remember which one I picked.

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Mom: You haven't moved since I left 5 hours ago...
Me: Excuse me, where do you think these сhiрs came from?!

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Three things I will never understand:
1. The meaning of life.
2. The universe.
3. How Spongebob and Patrick made those sound effects in that box

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No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don't Date December, Just me January, Forever alone February, No Match March.....
I got this.

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Hey my diск just died. Do you mind if i bury it in your аss?

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Two pieces of bacon are frying in a pan.
One bacon looks at the other bacon and says "it's hot in here".
Then the other bacon looks at him and says "Holy сrар a talking bacon".

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Sometimes when I get bored I cover myself in vasaline and crawl around the floor and pretend im a slug.

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I think I'm gonna order a pizza Monday night at 11:55pm and have them deliver it just so I can say, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! I ORDERED THIS LAST YEAR!!"

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Today, I got a new Xbox 360, 4g Android phone, and $300 for free!
It's like this gun is MAGIC!

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There was a white guy, a Mexican guy, and a black guy. All three of them bring something from their country that they have too much of. All three of them climb the Eiffel tower. The Mexican brings tacos and says,
"We have to many of these in our country and throws the tacos off the Eiffel Tower". Next, the black guy brings wееd and says,
"We have to much of this in our country and throws them off the tower." Next, the white guy pushes the Mexican and the black guy off the Eiffel tower and says,
"We have to many of those in our country."

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I don't always make a New Years Resolution.... But when I do, I make sure to forget about it in a week.

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Step 1: Attach a mustache to your t. V.
Step. 2: Drink every time it lines up with someones face.

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Hahahahahabananahahahahaha
I bet you didnt notice "banana" in the middle. I got u good u f*cker!

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I've been called worse by better

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I'm going to open a gym called 'Resolutions'. For the first two weeks of the year it's a gym, the rest of the time it's a bar.

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Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

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Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad dude, my bad...

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