Jokes

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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ach.
Ach who?
Bless you! Need a tissue?

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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre!

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Why did LeBron cross the road? To put the hammer down!

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Old days:
"Mom I'm hungry"."Ok sweetheart I'll go make some porridge"
Now:
"Mom I'm hungry".
"Go heat up a f*ckin hot pocket then lazyass"

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10 interesting facts:
1) you cant say "s" without using your tongue
2) just tried it
3) your grinning
4) you just checked to see if i forgot a number
5) your smiling
7) you didnt notice that I forgot 6)
8) so you check it
9) you think this is a weird "joke"
10) you give it a good rating anyway

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I got some Chinese symbols tattooed on my arm that reads, "I don't know, I don't speak Chinese". So when someone asks what it says...

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Yesterday, I got high and went to Olive Garden.
Waitress: Would you like soup or salad?
Me: What the fuск is a super salad?

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Реdорhilе:
"I have candy; get in the van."
Me:
"No."
Pedophile:
"The van has Wi-Fi."
Me:
"Okay."

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Johns in 1st grade and his teacher is going over vocab words and his teacher asks the class to use the word house in a sentence so everyone in the class raises there hands including john, and the teacher picks on Billy. and Billy said my house is brown
Teacher: very good.
Teacher: how about we use the word dog.
The class raises their hands.
Teacher picks on sally instead of john and john is in the background with a frown on his face.
Sally i walk my dog:
John: how come you didn't pick on me :( to answer
Teacher: because i know you know all the words but if you want a word ill give you one..
Teacher: use the word Urinate.
John: ok i have a sentence for you
John: urinate but IF YOU HAD ВIGGЕR ТIТТIЕS you would be a 10

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Okay, so theres a statue and he's been a statue for years then a magical рigеоn swoops down where the statue is and says,
"Since you have been a good statue so i'm going to grant you life". So the рigеоn swirls his little wand and the statue becomes alive. The statue is like, "Oh my gosh i'm alive!" The first thing he does is throw the pigron on the ground and he shiтs on it and says,
"How do you like it?"

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*speeding*
Cop:pull over!!!
Me: *pulls over*
Cop:do you know why i pulled you over?
Me:yes!!! do you?

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What's the difference between a hare and a rabbit?
You can pull a hair out of your аrsе but not a rabbit

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Ask this question to someone next time they're drunк or high.
"On a scale of 1 to 10, what's your favorite color in the alphabet?"

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The Cell Phone Restaurant Challenge:
Phones must be stacked in a pile during a meal. The first person to check their phone pays the bill.

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You are so poor when you asked your mom what was for dinner she spread her legs and said crabs

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Question: What did one toilet roll say to the other toilet roll?
Answer:
"People keep on ripping me off!"

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Why don't cannibals eat comedians?
They taste funny.

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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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