Jokes

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I'm thinking about dumping my girlfriend, but I'm not sure how to go about it.
In a lake is probably the easiest.

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*Sees girl at a party, sitting alone on a bench*
Me: Wanna dance?
Girl: Who, me?
Me: No, the fuскing bench.. *dances with bench*

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I woke up this morning to my neighbor mowing his fuскing lawn. I was gonna get up and yell at him but I thought, fuск it, he can mow around me.

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Wanna come over to my place and watch роrn on my 60 inch flat screen mirror?

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Me: Excuse me ma'am. Is your name by any chance, Google?
Her: No, why?
Me:
'Cause you have everything I'm searching for. *gets laid*

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Cop: Did you know drinking and driving is aganist the law?
Me: Then why is there parking lots at the bar?
(cop is speachless)

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Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

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Today, i was watching the jersey shore. I realized they are not bros, they are just douchebags

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Beer
The cause of and solution to all of the problems of life.
- Homer J. Simpson

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The awkward moment when your playing hide n' seek and you hide in the shower and someone goes in to take a shiт...

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*washing car*
Neighbor: You washing your car?
Me: No. Im watering it to see if it grows into a bus...

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*gets caught маsтurватing*
Mom: Is this what you do on Saturday nights!? You маsтurвате??
Me: No! I do it everyday

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"Hey come with me to the store."
"No!"
"I'll buy you something."
"Oh, ok"

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Me: I wasn't that drunк..
Myself: Dude, you were talking to yourself!
Me: ... And...
Myself: ... And you still are.

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Some mornings I wake up Вiтсhy.
Other mornings, I just let her sleep.

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I sold some сrаск today, the undercover cop liked it so much that he gave me 2 silver bracelets and a ride in the backseat to his club house... We even took pictures

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Brownie in a mug:
1/4 cup of flour
1/4 cup of sugar
2 Tbsp of cocoa
2 Tbsp of olive oil
Pinch of salt
3 Tbsp of water
Mix in a mug and microwave for 1 min 30 sec
You're welcome

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It doesn't matter if you're Black or White, but if you're Orange...

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