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How I learned to mind my own business: I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and I could hear all the patients shouting, "13! 13! 13!" The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. Someone poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting, "14! 14! 14!"
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Once there was a farmer that was very protective of his three daughters. When they told him they were going to go out on dates one night, the farmer decided to wait outside with a shotgun. The first boy arrived for the first daughter, and he said,
"Hi, my name is Freddy. I'm here for Betty. We're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The farmer decided he was decent enough, and let them go. The second boy arrived for the second daughter, and said,
"Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she good to go?" Again, the farmer decided he was decent enough and let them go. Finally, the last boy came, and he said,
"Hi, my name is Chuck..." and the farmer shot him.
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An American Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. “Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?”
“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”
“Why is my sister named Cornflower?”
“Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?” "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived. Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”
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A guy was at a bar and needed to fаrт. He decided the music was so loud that he just went for it and timed his farts to the beat of the music. After he relieved himself he looked up to see everyone staring at him. Than he realized that he was listening to his iPod.
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Dear McDonalds cashier,
Don't give me that look, there's no age limit on a happy meal.
Sincerely, don't forget the toy b*tch!!
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If you were homework, I would do you on a table.
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Cashier: Are you going to buy these?
Me: No, I'm going to steal them, I just wanted to show you first
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A guy walks into a bathroom, sits down, and notices three buttons in front of him marked, WW, WA, and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly, warm water sprays up his rear. “Mmmm,” he says to himself. “That was good.” So he presses WA and a jet of warm air dries his backside. “Mmmm. Nice!” So finally he can’t resist pressing the ATR button. The next thing he knows, he is waking up in a hospital ward just as the nurse is entering the room. “Nurse, Nurse! Where am I? What happened?” The nurse replies, “You must have missed the sign to not press the ATR button.”
“What does ATR mean exactly?” says the guy. “Automatic Тамроn Remover. Your testicles are under your pillow.”
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Why is a river rich? A: Because it has two banks.
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When someone yawns, do deaf people think they're screaming?
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Q. What do you do if attacked by a clan of clowns?
A. Go for the juggler.
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How can you get high underwater?
Sea weed
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I'm an anesthesiologist. I get to pass gas for a living.
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A boy walked into the classroom. The teacher looked at him. "Where were you?" The teacher asked.
"On top of Blueberry Hill." The boy answered.
Another boy came in a few minutes later. "Where were you?" The teacher asked.
"On top of Blueberry Hill." The boy answered.
A few minutes later, a girl came in. "Lemme guess, you were on top of Blueberry Hill too." The teacher said.
"No, I am Blueberry Hill." The girl answered.
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There were some guys sailing through the ocean. One day the guy in the crows nest yelled down. "Captain 10 ships on the horizon!" The captain says "Bring me my red shirt!" so he puts on his red shirt and the battle ensues. No one gets hurt and they win. The guy from the crows nest asks "Captain why did you want you red shirt?" the captain says " If i get shot you will not see the blood and you will fight on and when!" the guy says "OK cool." two weeks pass by and the guy in the crows nest says " captain 40 ships on the horizon!" the captain say " Bring me my brown pants!"
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Dad: Son, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No.
Dad: The girl is Bill Gate's daughter.
Son: Okay then!
Dad goes to Bill Gate.
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No.
Dad: My son is the CEO of the world's greatest bank.
Bill Gates: Okay then!
Dad goes to the CEO of the world's greatest bank.
Dad: Make my son the CEO.
CEO: No.
Dad: My son is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
CEO: Okay then!
This is BUSINESS.
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What happens when you play a country song backwards? You get a new truck, a new wife, and a new dog.
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I’m looking for a bank which can perform two things;
Give me a Loan and then leave me Alone.
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