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Let's all pray that Jamaica isn't the first country to get plagued by the zombie epidemic. Cause the last thing we need is zombies that can run at 100mph.

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BF: Hey we need to breakup. sorry
Gf: what? why? :
'(
BF: oh sorry... wrong person.
GF: Oh okay... wait WHAT?

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Mom - "Let me see your laptop for a minute"
Me - throws laptop out the window. "WHAT РОRN!?"

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Me: Can i borrow 5 dollars grandpa?
Grandpa: 10 dollars? What do u need 200 dollars for? 5 grand should be enough. Heres my boat and dont tell ur father

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Opinions are like оrgаsмs.
Mine matters most, and I could care less if you have one.

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Wait until someone is about to sneeze. Right before they do, loudly scream "PIKA PIKKAAAA!!"

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My children know they're in trouble when I take off my belt.
Because I'm about to go for a massive shiт.

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Wendys: uh lemme get a #2 with a drink. That'll be $12.35
Taco Веll: uh.. Lemme get the right side of the menu with a large drink. That'll be $5.46

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Carly Rae Jepsen: I threw a wish in a well
Me: How the fuск do you throw a wish in a we...
Carly Rae Jepsen: Don't ask me I'll never tell
Me: ... Yeah ok.

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What time does michal jackson go to bed
When the big hand touches the little one

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I'm on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot.
I'd originally set out to find cheap gas, but I decided to keep my goals realistic.

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Thieves broke into the local movie theater and stole $240.
They took a bag of popcorn and a large drink.

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Guy: Is your phone in your back pocket?
Girl: Why?
Guy: Because that аss is calling me.

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Blanket on = hot. Blanket off = cold. Blanket on with foot out = perfect.......... Until that dамn demon from paranormal activity drags you down the hall.

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Broccoli:
"I look like a tree."
Walnut:
"I look like a brain. "
Mushroom:
"I look like an umbrella."
Banana:
"Dude! Change the topic..."

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I need a 6 month vacation, twice a year

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Dear Pancakes,
Do you have little compartments for syrup? No? I didn't think so.
Sincerely, Waffles.

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Did you sit in a pile of sugar?
Because you've got a pretty sweet аss.

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