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Hey my diск just died. Do you mind if i bury it in your аss?

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Two pieces of bacon are frying in a pan.
One bacon looks at the other bacon and says "it's hot in here".
Then the other bacon looks at him and says "Holy сrар a talking bacon".

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Sometimes when I get bored I cover myself in vasaline and crawl around the floor and pretend im a slug.

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Today, I got a new Xbox 360, 4g Android phone, and $300 for free!
It's like this gun is MAGIC!

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There was a white guy, a Mexican guy, and a black guy. All three of them bring something from their country that they have too much of. All three of them climb the Eiffel tower. The Mexican brings tacos and says,
"We have to many of these in our country and throws the tacos off the Eiffel Tower". Next, the black guy brings wееd and says,
"We have to much of this in our country and throws them off the tower." Next, the white guy pushes the Mexican and the black guy off the Eiffel tower and says,
"We have to many of those in our country."

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I don't always make a New Years Resolution.... But when I do, I make sure to forget about it in a week.

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Simba was moving too slowly, so I told him to Mufasa!

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Step 1: Attach a mustache to your t. V.
Step. 2: Drink every time it lines up with someones face.

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Hahahahahabananahahahahaha
I bet you didnt notice "banana" in the middle. I got u good u f*cker!

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I've been called worse by better

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I'm going to open a gym called 'Resolutions'. For the first two weeks of the year it's a gym, the rest of the time it's a bar.

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Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ach.
Ach who?
Bless you! Need a tissue?

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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre!

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Why did LeBron cross the road? To put the hammer down!

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Why did Papa Smurf send Smurfette to see a doctor???
She was always feeling blue...

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Old days:
"Mom I'm hungry"."Ok sweetheart I'll go make some porridge"
Now:
"Mom I'm hungry".
"Go heat up a f*ckin hot pocket then lazyass"

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10 interesting facts:
1) you cant say "s" without using your tongue
2) just tried it
3) your grinning
4) you just checked to see if i forgot a number
5) your smiling
7) you didnt notice that I forgot 6)
8) so you check it
9) you think this is a weird "joke"
10) you give it a good rating anyway

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