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I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!

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Teacher: stop intrupting while im talking
Student: you stop talking while im interupting

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How do you fix a cabbage? With a cabbage patch.

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They say you can never judge a book by its cover. But it’s the only way to
Judge a tribute band.

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Question :Why do pirates only have 1 eye?
Answer: Because in the word pirate there is only one i

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Boy: what's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and a рот of glue?
Girl: I don't know
Boy: you can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna
Girl: what about the рот of glue?
Boy: I knew you'd get stuck there!

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A man was in a restaurant one day and then he suddenly realized he had to pass gas! And the music was really loud in the restaurant so he let it out! But, then he realized he was listening to his iPod music

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Place:mental hospital
Doctor:what is wrong with you?
Patient:I wrote a 500 page book
Doctor:what did you write about?
Patient:I wrote a king started going to the jungle with his horse and in the last page he arrived at the jungle
Doctor:what did you write in the other 498 page
Patient:tigdik tigdik tigdik
Tigdik tigdik and so on the other 493 pages
Doctor:you idiот. Who will read it
Patient:I will put it on watazapp and some idiот will read it

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Gasoline is so overpriced right now, ExxonMobil just changed the names of their three grades of gas to Tall, Grande, and Venti!

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I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

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Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Repeat.
Repeat who?
Okay, who who who who who who...

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I told my psychiatrist, "My wife sent me here because I like pancakes." She said,
"Liking pancakes doesn't make you crazy. I like pancakes too." I said,
"Great! Come down to the house. I got a whole basement full!"

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Shiт! My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs! I've been his customer for 4 years, but I had no idea he was a barber.

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A wife saw her husband weight himself on the scale trying to pull in the stomach. The wife thought he was trying to reduce his weight on the scale. So she said,
"You know, I don't think that will help you." The husband replies,
"Of course it helps. It is the only way I can see the number on the scale."

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There once was a Realtor named Hall
With a hexahedronical ball.
The cube of its weight
Plus his рескеr times eight
Is his phone number. Give him a call!

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A guy riding on a motorcycle was wearing a tee-shirt. The back of his shirt says,
"If you can read this the b*tch fell off."

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It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

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"My brother likes to brag about the size of his реnis which doesn't bother me, I just wish he wouldn't rub it in my face."

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