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A violinist went to sleep. His dream was like this: An angel appeared from the skies and told him:
"I have two news to tell you. One is good news and the other one is bad news . With which one should I start?"
And the violinist replied:
"With the good one"
. The angel continues:
"After you die you will go to heaven. And in heaven you will be sitting besides Paganini, in the heaven´s Orchestra."
. The violinist, stunned with this amazing news, asked about the bad news, and the angel replied:
"The bad news is that your first rehearsal starts tomorrow".
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I got in a fight one time with a really big tough guy who said,
"I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said,
"You'll be sorry." He said,
"Oh, yeah? Why?" I said,
"Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
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I like escalators because they can never break, they can only become stairs. You should never see a sign next to an escalator that says,
"Escaltor Temporarily Out of Service." Just a sign that says,
"Escalator Temporarily Stairs, Sorry for the Inconvenience."
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A guy drops a sword from the sky. When he gets off he sees a girl crying. He says "What's wrong?" The girl says,
"Well, a sword fell from the sky and killed my cat. Another guy drops a gun from the sky and sees a boy crying. He asks "What's wrong?" He says "A gun fell from the sky and shot my dog." Another guy drops a bomb from the sky and sees a little boy laughing. He asks, "What's so funny?" He says "My mom farted so hard the house blew up!!"
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What does Delaware?
New Jersey!
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Mom:
"Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?"
Me:
"Shouldn't you be in the Kitchen?"
I've never been hit so hard.
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I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet and sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate Hamsters.
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I made a terrible mistake the other night by renting a Tyler Perry movie. It was so bad that Redbox support called me the next day and offered me $20 just to keep it forever.
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There was this girl who really wanted a воов job, so she went to see a plastic surgeon, Dr. Jones. Dr. Jones told her the cost would be $3500.00. She then told Dr. Jones she could not afford to spend that much, so he told her if she waived her hands like a duck quacking in front of her вrеаsтs daily saying, "Mary had a little lamb, her fleece was white as snow," her воовs would begin to grow. The next day she was on a bus and remembered she forgot to do the chant. She began to secretly do it, and while she was doing it, a gentleman turned around and asked her if she went to Dr. Jones. She then asked why? He replied with a hand motion moving up and down chanting, "Hickory, Dickory, Dock."
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A Fiat 500 pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" asked the driver of the Fiat. "Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver. "Well, do you have a fax machine?" The driver of the Rolls sighed, "I have that too."
"Then do you have a double bed in the trunk?" the Fiat driver wanted to know. Embarrassed, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he ordered a mechanic to install a double bed in the trunk. A week later the Rolls driver passed the same Fiat 500 parked on the side of the road with the back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls, and bangs on the Fiat's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I wanted to tell you I have a double bed installed," says the proud Rolls driver. The Fiat driver is unimpressed, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"
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An old lady was knitting & speeding down the highway. A cop pulled up alongside her vehicle & yelled, "Pull over!" She yelled back, "No, they're mittens!"
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Why do autopsies always have to be "performed"? You'd think under the circumstances they could do without the big production.
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Have you ever noticed how humans are a lot like lemmings? Try standing at a crosswalk, and then before the light even turns green, take a step and see how many people actually step out along with you. And how when you are waiting with a crowd outside a locked business, there is always one person that comes along, pushes through the crowd and tries the locked door. As if everyone was just standing there for fun! Come on people!
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Why did the penny jump off the building and the dime didn't? Because it made more cents!
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Signs you might be a redneck: You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunк. You think taking out the trash means taking your in-laws to a movie.
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
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Little Red Riding Hood was walking around in the forest with her basket and suddenly in the distance she sees the Big Bad Wolf. Little Red Riding Hood went up to the wolf and said,
"Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such little eyes?" she asked. He responded, "Oh go away you! I'm taking a роор!"
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What's Barney's favorite movie?
The Color Purple.
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