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A three-foot tall dwarf walks into a bar and slips over on a pile of роор. Minutes later a huge tough guy walks into the bar and slips over on the pile of роор, the dwarf says to the big guy, "I just did that," and the big guy punches the dwarf in the face.

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A very good magician has hypnotised an entire audience. He has them under his complete control and they are willing do whatever he tells them to do. Unfortunately, at the vital moment, he trips over the microphone cord, lands on his аss and says,
"Shiт!"

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There was a magician on a ship. He went through his tricks all day. Then the captain's parrot always told the audience what really made the tricks happen. "hes using a different hat"
"Theres a hole in the table" the parrot would say. The magician always got mad but couldnt do anything after all it was the captains parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician was hanging onto a plank and unfortunately was stuck with the parrot. they glared at each other for days. On the 6 day the parrot finally says "I give up wheres the f*cking ship?"

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My new thesaurus is terrible. It's also terrible.

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When characters in the movies go underwater, I like to hold my breath to see how long I can last. I almost died in Finding Nemo.

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A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the huмр. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his cigarette pack. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my sweet little hamster."

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What did the astronaut discover when he found bones on the moon? The соw didn't make it.

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Every time I lose weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.

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After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. "No hablo ingles."

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10% luck, 20% skill, 15% concentrated power of will.
I love that song, i just wish i could remember the name.

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Sometimes I just want the UFC commentator to be like "Personally, I think he's trying to fuск him... But I'm no expert, Joe."

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Girl:
"I wanna give you the best вlоwjов of all time!"
Me:
"Really?"
Girl:
"April fogwrhbrfv..."

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A young boy is pulling his wagon up a hill when one of the back wheels falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy says,
"I'll be darned." A local pastor heard him and said,
"You should not say that. Next time your wheel falls off say, 'Praise the Lord.'" So the next day the young boy is pulling his wagon up the hill and the wheel falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy says,
"Praise the Lord." The wheel stops rolling, turns around, rolls back up the hill and puts itself back on the wagon. The young boy being very surprised by this exclaims, "I'll be darned!"

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Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers. "Hey," said one, "I think we're drunк."
"You are right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunк and disorderly," said his mate. "And you will have to appear before me at 10AM tomorrow," said the first. Next morning in court, the first pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined $10. They then switched places. "Drunк and disorderly, eh? You are fined $20."
"Hey," protested the first, "When I was in was in chair I only fined you $10!"
"Yes," said the second judge, "But the offence is becoming too common. You are the second drunк to appear before the court this morning."

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What goes up and down stairs with out moving? Carpet.

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Teacher:
"Why does a stone sink in water when you thrown it in?"
Student:
"Because it does not know how to swim."

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A woman walks into a cafe with a stomach ache. After a while she realizes she needs to relieve herself, knowing her farts are loud, she decides to fаrт simultaneously with the cafe music. Every time the music gets really loud she let out a long fаrт. She saw that everyone in the cafe was staring at her and later realized that she was wearing headsets the whole time...

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A kid is on his lawn, playing with mud. A man walks up to him and asks, “What are you doing?” The kid says, “Making a smart potion. Would you like some?” So the man says, “Sure. I’ll try some.” So the kid gives the man a bit of the mud in a cup to drink. When the man drank it, he yelled, “Blech! This is mud!” So the kid says, “See, getting smarter already.”

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