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My maid is a commercial cleaner. She only cleans during commercials.

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What is the last thing you take off before you go to bed? Your feet off the ground.

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It takes only one egomaniac to sсrеw in a light bulb, because the egomaniac can hold the bulb, and the rest of the world will naturally revolve around him.

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Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer to the end you get the faster it goes.

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"Housework won't кill you, but then again why take the chance?" - Phyllis Diller

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I walked into the antique store and said,
"What's new?"

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How do you кill the circus? You go for the juggler.

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Times are getting better. I used to sleep in my 2 door sedan; now I sleep in a van!

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Did you know that my typewriter is pregnant? No, it is? Yup, it skipped a period.

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Two rich businessmen are walking as friends in a park.
The first businessman whos name was Joe discovered a pile of dog роор on the sidewalk. He then told the other businessman, Jack, that if Jack ate the pile of роор he will give Jack a billion dollars. Jack agreed, so he ate the pile of роор and gained a billion dollars.
Later, Jack saw another pile of роор on the grass. He told Joe that if he ate it, he will give back the billion dollars. Joe agreed because he didn't want to lose the money, and he did.
Much later, the two men were all crying their eyes out because they both ate a pile of роор and didn't gain a cent!

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Two guys are outside of a bathhouse. One guy says,
"Did you take a bath?" The other guy says,
"No, I think you're supposed to leave them inside."

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If silence speaks a thousand words, how loud is a thousand words?

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How much wood would a wood chuck chuk if he was black .... he wouldnt he would tell mr веаvеr to do it for him

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I'd better get a library card because I'm checking you out

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Being smart is a great тооl for knowing how to make big achievements. But sometimes, playing dumb will move things along a bit.

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How to dodge a ticket: if you get caught in the carpool lane by yourself, just tell the cop you're schizophrenic.

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I used to write horoscopes for a living, but I got fired because every day for Cancer I'd just write, "Keep fighting."

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New Yoker #1:
"Why is Mayor de Blasio appointing former old commissioners to lead city agencies?"
New Yorker #2:
"Because in NYC we recycle!"

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