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John:
"I didn't use a recipe for the casserole; I made it from scratch off the top of my head!"
Bob:
"I thought I tasted dandruff."

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I have a mind like a steel trap, which can be dangerous. Every time I get an idea, it snaps my neck and swallows my face.

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I was recently charged with domestic violence and I won. It's safe to say I beat that. But it wasn't my fault - she never listened, always ignored me when I talked, but whenever I flip her off, she would flip me off. That's the last time I date a deaf girl...

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The following is a telephone conversation:
Caller 1: Hello,is this James?
Caller 2: No,this is Knott.
Caller 1: Then who are you?
Caller 2: I told you,this is Knott.
Caller 1: Please tell me your name.
Caller 2: Will Knott.
Caller 1: Please tell me!
Caller 2: I told you! Will Knott.
Caller 1: AAARGHH!!
After few moments of silence,
Caller 2: Who are you?
Caller 1: Watt.
Caller 2: Please tell me your name.
Caller 1: I just told you! Watt is my name.
Caller 2: Thats what I asked you! What is your name?!
Caller 1: Thats what I told you! Watt is my name!!
Thus they both were famished.

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A guy falls down in the street. To make sure he is not embarrassed in front of the neighbors, he crawled all the way home.

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Grew up thinking I was stuck with the face I was born with; at 30 the beauty consultants at Macy's told me I would get the face I deserved; moved to LA and discovered I'd get the face I could afford!

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This is how you know you're really drunк - when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

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Every tribe needs a straight lady.

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"We've all got to get our own whatever we are doing." -Jamie Masada

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Life is good when I can afford to buy recycled toilet paper.

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Yo pops plucked a razor bump and a whole wig came out.

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How do you get on television? You sit on it!

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My cousin is BFNR which means, big for no reason!

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What's the similarity of typhoon with tycoon? They are both packed with a lot of wind.

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A guy walked up to me and asked me, "how's life going?".
I said,
"Not sure, can we meet up sometime unannounced to you and have me ask how's your life going?"
He said,
"No, I dont think so."
I said "well now you know what it feels like, you might aswell have put me infront of a jury"
He said "well, I'm sorry I was busy talking to my friends and they dared me to talk to you"
To which I replied "well I was busy talking to your mom and she said that she doesn't want you to talk to random people anymore and call them your 'friends'"

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Ever been to Uganda?
Cause Uganda be bouncin' on dis diск.

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- Dude that party was wicked.
- You were drunк outta your mind.
- I was not drunк.
- Dude you were cutting pine-apples yelling "SpongeBob I know your in there"

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Many are called, but it's only few that has airtime to call back. #Hiba

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