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I hate it when pop ups say Do u want to play poker with professionals No I want to play with a spastic and hopefully a dimentid Llama

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My wife gets so clumsy when she's pregnant...
Take tomorrow for instance, she's gonna fall down the stairs.

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Sure Mexico, you may have temporarily stolen our crown as fattest country... but just wait until the Twinkies come back!

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What do you call a multiracial gаy person?
Mixed Fruit!

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My girlfriend is leaving me because she's tired of my over-active imagination.
Joke's on her! She doesn't even exist!

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Is there by any chance of you being Athletic??
Yeah, I Surf the Web.....

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The most annoying people are those that are in exceptionally good shape at the gym. I'm like, "What are you doing here? You're done.."

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I normally struggle with my laziness. should I sit down and do nothing, or lie down and do nothing.

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Playing pass with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a ball.

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You know what's easier than applying sunscreen? Not going outside.

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If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?

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Did you sit in frosted flakes? 'cause that аss is GRRRRREAT!

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My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm pretty?"
Why doesn't she just answer me?

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My girlfriend isn't allowed to have candles on her birthday cake. What you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.

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Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
He's for me,
Not for you,
If by chance,
You take my place,
I'll take my fist, And smash your face.

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Daddy, I hate mommy's guts.
Just eat what you can son.

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"Hey Daddy there's a lady jogging over there."
Sorry son, we need room in the trunk for groceries but good eye, son, good eye.

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I love to brag to people on how I handle financial transactions for a multi-billion dollar corp. It beats telling them I'm a f*cking cashier at McDonald's.

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