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Mom:
"Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?"
Me:
"Shouldn't you be in the Kitchen?"
I've never been hit so hard.

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I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet and sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate Hamsters.

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I made a terrible mistake the other night by renting a Tyler Perry movie. It was so bad that Redbox support called me the next day and offered me $20 just to keep it forever.

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A Fiat 500 pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" asked the driver of the Fiat. "Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver. "Well, do you have a fax machine?" The driver of the Rolls sighed, "I have that too."
"Then do you have a double bed in the trunk?" the Fiat driver wanted to know. Embarrassed, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he ordered a mechanic to install a double bed in the trunk. A week later the Rolls driver passed the same Fiat 500 parked on the side of the road with the back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls, and bangs on the Fiat's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I wanted to tell you I have a double bed installed," says the proud Rolls driver. The Fiat driver is unimpressed, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"

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An old lady was knitting & speeding down the highway. A cop pulled up alongside her vehicle & yelled, "Pull over!" She yelled back, "No, they're mittens!"

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Why do autopsies always have to be "performed"? You'd think under the circumstances they could do without the big production.

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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Have you ever noticed how humans are a lot like lemmings? Try standing at a crosswalk, and then before the light even turns green, take a step and see how many people actually step out along with you. And how when you are waiting with a crowd outside a locked business, there is always one person that comes along, pushes through the crowd and tries the locked door. As if everyone was just standing there for fun! Come on people!

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Why did the penny jump off the building and the dime didn't? Because it made more cents!

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Signs you might be a redneck: You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunк. You think taking out the trash means taking your in-laws to a movie.

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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

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Little Red Riding Hood was walking around in the forest with her basket and suddenly in the distance she sees the Big Bad Wolf. Little Red Riding Hood went up to the wolf and said,
"Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such little eyes?" she asked. He responded, "Oh go away you! I'm taking a роор!"

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My maid is a commercial cleaner. She only cleans during commercials.

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What is the last thing you take off before you go to bed? Your feet off the ground.

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It takes only one egomaniac to sсrеw in a light bulb, because the egomaniac can hold the bulb, and the rest of the world will naturally revolve around him.

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What's the difference between a Nаzi salute and a gаy guy? A 45 degree angle.

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Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer to the end you get the faster it goes.

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"Housework won't кill you, but then again why take the chance?" - Phyllis Diller

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