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When life throws you lemons, make lemonade… But also remember that unless you add water and sugar your lemonade will taste like shiт.

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Me: Hey Miss have you seen the clown that hides from gаy people in Target?
Teacher:No I haven't
Me: Haha LOL
Teacher: Huh....... oh right that's funny detention at lunch.
Me: It was so worth it.

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Do you know the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is against the law. The other is a sick bird.

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It's better to be short than not a tall.

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I tend to avoid funerals...
... I'm just not a mourning person.

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What do you call a bee that makes milk? ВООВIЕS!

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Coach: There's no I in team
Me: But there's an M and an E
Coach: .....
Me: Exactly

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I wanted to make a joke about criminals, but I was scared it would get stolen.

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The other week i walked into a bank with a Frog Costume on and i actually robbed the bank. So yeah thats the first time i ever Kermitted a сriме.

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Did you hear about the bonfire? I heard it was lit.

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What kind of shoes does a реdорhilе wear?
White vans

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Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You’re right, so I left.

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Two old ladies, Mary and Martha met in the town, "Mary, how was the weather on your week's holiday".
"Oh not so bad it only rained twice, Once for four days and once for three"

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A descendant of Eric The Red, named Rudolf the Red, was arguing with his wife about the weather. His wife thought it was going to be a nice day, and he thought it was going to rain. Finally she asked him, how he was so sure. He smiled at her, and calmly said,
"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."
(Rudolf the red-nosed raindeer?)

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One day Bin Laden went to a fortuneteller and asked her when will I die. She replied: You will die on an American holiday. So he asks which American holiday and she says it doesn’t matter. When you die it will be an American holiday.

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I just got grounded heres hat happened me and my mom got into a fight and she said son of a b*tch and i said hеll yeah i am kickass if you get it

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Why does a scuba diver fall off the boat backwards?
Because if he fell frontwards he'd still be in the boat!

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I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she was putting up a hеll of a fight and wouldn't let go.
I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything. I finally decided that I should help.
It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.

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