Jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular

What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?
Stay up all night and wonder if there's a DOG.

0

0

Three guys were stranded in a desert, an american an arab and an indian. They were thirsty and hungry and started loosing hope of survival. As they were walking in the heat they saw an old abandoned car.
They ran to it and the American straight away popped the hood and ripped out radiator telling the other two : whenever im thirsty ill have a sip of water from this.
Next the indian rips off a seat from the car saying: whenever i get tired of walking, ill rest on this seat.
Finally, The arab looks around and suddenly rips the door off.
The other two confused ask him " how is that supposed help you here?"
Arab: whenever i feel hot, ill roll down the window

0

0

If I get 5 kickass i will kikll them

0

0

My favorite way to de-clutter my space is to hold every item I own. If it does not bring me any joy, I toss it out.
So far I have thrown out all my vegetables, my electrical bill, a scale, a mirror, and my treadmill.

0

0

A teacher in class notices a little puddle below Suzie’s chair.
“Ah, Suzie, why didn’t you put your hand up?”
“I did, Miss, but it just ran through me fuскing fingers.”

0

0

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy.

0

0

When I saw that вuтт, it took my breath away. I guess you could say I have аss-ma

0

0

Why don't ghosts wear shoes?
They're sole-less!

0

0

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

0

0

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

0

0

It's the annual hairdressing awards tonight. I hope I get home in time to catch the highlights????

0

0

I just realised that I haven't done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.

0

0

My psychiatrist recently told me I should stop avoiding conflicts so I’ve just booked a holiday to Syria.

0

0

Just got fired from my job at Lastminute. Com, I kept turning up late.

0

0

At an Italian wedding ceremony, the priest asked the bride, “Do you take Franco Giuseppe-Antonio to be your husband?”
The bride looking very confused said, “father, there is a mistake. I am only marrying Frank.”

0

0

Definition of Epitaph: A belated advertisement for a line of goods that has been permanently discontinued.

0

0

Why is there only one Yogi Bear?
Because the second one was a Boo-Boo.

0

0

A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.
She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:
“Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”
Grandma replied:
“Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
“The comedies make me laugh. I’m so happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”
Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door.
When she opened the door, there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said:
“Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?”
The little girl replied:
“Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”

0

0