Jokes

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I’ve just got on the bus with my heavily pregnant girlfriend and not one person was polite enough to give up their seat for her. 10 minutes of me tutting, giving dirтy looks, etc, and still nobody would offer her their seat. In the end I was so angry,
I stood up and let her have MY fсuкing seat.

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I gave my liver a big surprise today, I actually drank a glass of water.

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Ours is a good restaurant, said the manager. “If you order an egg, you get the freshest egg in the world. If you order hot coffee, you get the hottest coffee in the world, and” -
“ I believe you,” said the customer. “I ordered a small steak”

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I mustache you a question
But I'll Shave it for later

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Geology joke:
Girl: Hey grandma look at the granite I found!
Geologist grandma: Thats gneiss dear.
Girl: Thanks grandma! (runs off)
Geologist grandma: ?????

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Вiтсh, if your going to be two faced at least make one pretty

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Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you A-flat minor

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Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands...
^ I love telling that joke, it never gets old.

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What if it doesn't want to be called hot sauce? What if it wants to be called beautiful sauce?

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Best way to deal with prison rаре is to just put it behind you.

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How does Santa keep the weeds out of his garden?
With a Ное-Ное-Ное.

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Frosty the snowman was spotted looking through the carrot bin at the local supermarket...
He was picking his nose.

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I’m well рissеd off with my neighbour today. Yesterday he kept playing the same Lionel Ritchie song over and over at full blast.
I wouldn’t mind normally, but it was all night long.

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Maybe, if we just tell people that the brain is an app...
... then maybe, they will start using it?

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Why do birds fly south?
Because it's too far to walk.
What did the broom say to the mop?
Duh! Brooms can't talk!

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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad you’re alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.

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The only 2 states to have legal Marijuana are Colorado and Washington. The 2 best NFL teams are Seattle and Denver. Coincidence? I think not!

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I sleep with a hockey mask on so that when my house is getting robbed the robbers will think i'm part of the crew.

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