Jokes

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Bill and Hillary Clinton go to a Yankees game together. They had VIP seats in the first row. All of a sudden, a secret service agent comes up to Bill and whispers in his ear. A few seconds later, Bill grabs Hillary and throws her out onto the field! The SS agent comes running back to Bill and says,
"Mr. President, sir, I think you misunderstood me. I said throw out the first pitch."

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She's happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew it seams...

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Gаy jokes are so overused, вuтт fuск it.

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A backward poet writes inverse.

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Two strings walk into a bar.
The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.
The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.
"Yeah," the string says. "Aren't you a string?" the bartender asks. "I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.

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I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

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You know when you walk into a shop and you come out empty empty handed and the people think you're stealing?

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Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirтy Ваsтаrds.

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An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

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Do you know what Labor Day is?
Mommy's sure do!

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Now that all of the coal mines are closed, all of those lumps of coal Santa left me are now worth a fortune!
I think I can corner the market with my supply alone... Thanks Santa!

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Three drunkards were walking down the street when they came upon a pile of manure where they stopped. The first drunkard, upon observation of the manure said to the other two, "Looks like it...” the second, bending over it and sniffing, said to the other two, "smells like it..." the third, sticking his finger in it, said,
"Feels like it". "Good thing we didn't step in it", they all agreed as they turned and walked away.

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What did the mortician say when his assistant suddenly quit on him?
"Go ahead, it's your funeral!"

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If your last name is Samsonite, what do you put on your luggage?

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I used to have a fear of climbing walls but I’ve finally managed to get over it.

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I looked out of our window today and said to the wife…
“It’s like rush hour outside.”
“What, lots of traffic?” She replied.
“No, there’s a black and Chinese guy running down the road in pursuit of a criminal.”

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I went to to the shop to buy 8 sprites i came home and realised id picked 7 up

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What did the guy say after he fell in a box of seaweed?
"Kelp Me! Kelp Me!"

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