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The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business...
... due to low circulation.

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There were three guys, Poo, Shut up and Manners. Poo fell off his bike, Manners went to help and Shut up rang the ambulance. The ambulance co-ordinate asked " what is your name?" 'SHUT UP.' "I'm sorry, what is your name?" 'SHUT UP!' "Wheres your manners!?!" 'Over there, picking up Poo.

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I broke my finger today, but on the other hand, I'm completely fine!

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I am reading a book about Japanese Sword-Fighting, would you like me to samuarise it?

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Taco: Do you want to taco 'bout it?
Nacho: It's nacho problem.

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My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

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"I hate tacos" said no Juan ever

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What do you get when you goose a ghost?
A handful of sheet.

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Why can't you run through a camp? It'd be ran, because it's past tents.

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You're walking down the street and your toe falls off!
Who do you call?
You call a tow truck!

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What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wataaaaahh!

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I would make a pun about mirrors but its not really a good reflection of my pun ability skills and people might сrаск up.

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You stole my heart.
Now you're going into cardiac arrest.

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I love the phrase "bear with me" because it could either mean "please be patient" or "the heist at the zoo was a success".

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Why did the piece of cheese go to the gym?
To get shredded!

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Someone really close to me died yesterday. Luckily the train wasn’t very busy so I just moved seats.

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What has eight wheels but carries only one passenger?
A pair of roller skates.

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A guy is passing a Mental Hospital surrounded by a wall and he hears the chanting inside, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Curious to see what’s going on he finds a small hole in the wall, so he bends and peeks inside. Someone inside pokes him hard in the eye and everyone starts inside chanting, Fourteen! Fourtee! Fourteen!

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