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Driving my daughter to her swimming lesson this morning, I asked
“So what are you doing today then?”
“It’s ‘locate and rescue’ today.” She said, “We’ve to dive under and grab a rubber brick from the bottom.”
I said “You’re going to have to hold your breath for a good while.”
“Why, is it hard to find?” She asked.
“No idea.” I said, winding up the windows “But I’ve just farted.”

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Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.

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I've been to the dentist many times so I know the drill.

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A young apprentice optometrist recently got careless and got his hand caught in the lens grinder. He wasn't seriously hurt, but he certainly made a spectacle of himself.

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What did the drug dealer say to the drug addict?
Weed make a cute couple.

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I ordered a Thesaurus online and it just arrived.
The pages are all BLANK!!!
I have no words to express my outrage.

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I'm going to buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot?

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I can't seem to stop laughing at the concept of this potato being on my plate. I think it's because we're both baked.

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Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom?
Because he was a fungi.

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There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

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Someone once said that anything is possible...
So isn't it possible that I will never do anything?

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My son asked me a good question, "why are we slaves to the sniff after the scratch? "
I've been asking the same thing.

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The best joke of all
Donald trump won 2016 election

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Perfect contraceptive method
To prevent accidental pregnancy due to соndом failure. World conferences topic was to discuss perfect method to avoid pregnancy. All scientist submitted there research. A jew scientist came with great idea which won price. He told - To prevent the соndом failure use 2 соndом with chilly powder in between. If inner соndом is torn he will know it immediately. If outer соndом breaks, she will know it !

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The choir had just come out of rehearsal. “Am I to assume that you do a lot of singing at home?” Mr. Harris asked a fellow choir member, David Grey. “Yes, I sing a lot. I use my voice just to кill time,” said David. Mr. Harris nodded, “You certainly have a fine weapon.”

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What do we want?
Confidentiality!
When do we want it?
None of your fuскing business!

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Just watched an incredible documentary on сосаinе. From now on i’m going to watch all documentaries this way.

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Q. How do farmers party?
A. They turnip the beats.

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