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I love watching magic tricks when I'm high. It makes it actually good. It's like WOAH!!! a bunny came out of that hat. But bunnies don't live in hats.

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Do you know what happens to quarterbacks when they reach the ends of their lives?
They just pass away.

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Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.

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Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of Iron? It was a ferrous wheel.

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The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more furniture... but all i really wanted was a one night stand.

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It's been 2 days since I've had McDonald's, I'm getting the shakes... and the fries.

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My Mum use to hit me with a belt
But then she realized it was a waist of time

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I knew she was the one for me when we went walking through the evergreen trees.
It was love at firs site.

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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

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There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

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A guy just threw milk at me... How dairy?!

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Guy: your cloths look gay
Me: they came out of the closet this morning

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Just been threatened by my housemate for stealing his clothes. I nearly sh*t his pants.

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'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?' Me:
'May I speak with the owl, please?'
"Who?"
Me:
'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'

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[The next day, again] Buddha walks up to a hot dog vendor and says,
"Make me one with everything."
The vendor then hands him the hot dog and Buddha pays him with a ten.
The vendor puts it in his till and moves on to the next customer.
Buddha says,
"What about my change?"
The vendor replies,
"Change comes from within".

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I organized a тhrееsоме for (NAME)'s last night of freedom. There were a couple of no-shows, but he still had fun.

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I got a rental car, and they gave me a Daewoo. Daewoo: that's Korean for 'Just walk.'

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Why would they not let the Pirate into the theater?
Because it was rated rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

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