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A guy goes to the doctor:
“Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”
“Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”
“Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”

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A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.
The surprised girl said, “What was that?”
The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him soundly.
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
“Customer feedback.”

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A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

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Police stops a man in his car.
Police: Sir, what’s in that bottle?
Man replies: Water.
Police: [sniffs] It smells like wine!
Man: Oh no, Jesus did it again!

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A couple goes to a restaurant and the wife excuses herself to go to the bathroom. In the meantime, the waiter approaches to take their order.
The husband says, “I’ll have a вееr.”
The waiter asks: “And what about your wife? Do you want a вееr for her?”
Man: “You know what, that’s a fair trade. Deal!”

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Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach. At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

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"I wasn't that drunк yesterday. "
"Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."

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Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

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Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of the blue. I was very pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him tell his father, “You’re right. She did gain weight.”

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I proposed to my ex-wife.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.

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I hate people who take drugs. DEA is the worst.

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Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited:
“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”
“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shiт in your trombone is here!”

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Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife:
"He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?"
"No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."

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I freaked out the electrician by opening the door nакеd. I couldn’t tell what gave him a вiggеr shock – whether the fact that I was nакеd, or that I got into his house.

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Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

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Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?

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Little Johnny and his father are in Ikea. Little Johnny ask loudly: “I need to рiss. I need to рiss! Please!!!”
The father is embarrassed and says,
“Please don’t yell рiss like that. Next time say that you want to sing.”
In the evening, mommy brings little Johnny and his sister to bed. She kisses them both good night, when suddenly little Johnny says,
“Mommy, I’d really like to sing.
The mother says, “I’m sorry but you can’t. Your sister’s already asleep.
“But I really need to sing”, insists Johnny.
The mother sighs, “Ok, but just very quietly into my ear”.

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My socks got really holy. I can only wear them to church.

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