// I have a 1:30 appointment.

Doctor: You're obese.

Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion.
Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:

"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.
Do you eat too much?
No.
Do you go to bed late?
No.
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.
Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

A guy goes to the doctor:

“Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”
“Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”
“Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”

Doctor says to the patient: “Your coughing sounds much better.”

The patient replies: “And no wonder. I spent a lot of time practicing.”