I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife's nightie and say: 'There's the chest freezer you always wanted'. Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?' I've seen a topl*ss lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move. The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener. How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday. My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson'. Author, Comedy legend Sir Ken Dodd has died 11 March 2018, at age of 90.
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