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Just tripped over my girlfriends вrа. I guess you could say it was...
*lights cigar*
A воовy trap.

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Walmart Logic...
Lets put in 30 cash registers and only keep 3 open!

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Bacon is bacon, eggs are eggs.
Don't let a guy get between ur legs.
He says ur cute, he says ur fine.
9 months later, he says it's not mine

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Watching my dog liск his ваlls makes me jealous. I wish I could do that.
But when I try, he growls.

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Your breath smells like
Ass аss аss аss аss аss аss аss аss аss аss аss аss аss аss аss аss аss аss аss аss! STOP! Now chew that мuтhа-fuскing bubble gum!

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"Dude she has a boyfriend".
"So? Soccer has a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score."

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I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening.
It's called вiтсhеs & hoes.

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1. Find a small child
2. Name him bitches
3. Fuск Bitches
Wait No...

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I like how the Ninja Turtles wear masks. Good way to hide your identity. I mean, its not like your a giant fuскing turtle or anything.

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My rabbit died yesterday.
Now I guess he's just
*puts on sunglasses*
Some bunny that I used to know.

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Hey I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But I'm on bath salts,
And your face looks tasty.

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I'm thinking about dumping my girlfriend, but I'm not sure how to go about it.
In a lake is probably the easiest.

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I woke up this morning to my neighbor mowing his fuскing lawn. I was gonna get up and yell at him but I thought, fuск it, he can mow around me.

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My wife hasn't stopped looking through the window since it started raining.
If it gets any worse, I might have to let her back in.

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Wanna come over to my place and watch роrn on my 60 inch flat screen mirror?

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Me: Excuse me ma'am. Is your name by any chance, Google?
Her: No, why?
Me:
'Cause you have everything I'm searching for. *gets laid*

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Cop: Did you know drinking and driving is aganist the law?
Me: Then why is there parking lots at the bar?
(cop is speachless)

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Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

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